Loads of Pink

Shrink Yo'Self Weigh in #4

2012-01-25T07:46:00.004-05:00

I feel like it was a great week. My husband is on board with weight loss too, and that makes it SOOOO much easier. We have conversations about what we ate, how many points (even though he is not officially doing WW, he is following along with me- he has no idea how many points he is allowed, but figures it's a few more than me.

On Saturday at my WW weigh in, I learned that my home scale is off by .4lbs from theirs. I weighed myself in my clothes right before I walked out the door and was .4lbs heavier at the meeting. Good thing to know!

I got back to running this week and am hoping to be back on track with running 2-3 miles straight withing a few weeks!

Here are the numbers:

Starting Weight 1*3.8
Last Week 1*0.0
This week 1*8.0
Weekly Loss 2.0

Total Loss 5.8

Shrink YoSelf Weigh-In #3

2012-01-18T08:10:00.004-05:00

I re-joined Weight Watchers on Saturday in order to help me on this journey. After the births of my first two kids, it was very helpful in losing the "baby weight". Well my last baby will be four this April, and I am still carrying around the weight I should have lost after she was born AND before I got pregnant!

The point structure has changed a little bit, but the concepts are the same. What is great is that I can use the app on my iPhone to keep track of points, etc. The first few days have not been very difficult. However, the WW scale is different than my bathroom scale. This week, I'm going to have to weigh myself in my clothes right before heading out the door to the meeting just so I can figure out what the difference is...and not be so depressed when my weight is more at the meeting.

One of the big things I struggle with is the amount my weight fluctuates on a daily basis. I can be down 3 lbs and then overnight gain back almost all of it. It is a constant battle. Maybe I Shouldn't get on the scale so often, I don't know. So this week was not great, despite the WW tracking of points. Maybe when I weigh in on Saturday with them I will see greater changes. I was up a few pounds over the weekend, but have dropped back down to where I was last Wednesday.

I worked out 6 days this past week, and hope to keep that up (part of why I am so frustrated with the lack of weight loss though!). After two weeks of just getting back to the gym, I started running on the treadmill again. I had to dial it down quite a bit, but am hoping to get back to running 2-3 miles soon!

Starting Weight 1*3.8
Last Week 1*0.8
This Week 1*0.8
Weekly Loss 0.0

Total Loss 3.0

Shrink YoSelf Weigh In #2

2012-01-11T20:45:00.004-05:00

Week two and I'm feeling ok. While I lost a few pounds right away, I did mess things up over the weekend. I had one day of not so great eating and have spent the last three days trying to undo it!

I did stick with the workout challenges. I did at least 35-40 min of vigorous activity for 4 days this week. I hope to do at least that much each week, and hopefully increase it. I totally slammed my water this week too!

The last week or so, I've been just working out on the Elliptical or doing Zumba in the basement. Next week I plan on getting back to running.

So, here are the numbers for this week:

Starting 1*3.8
Last week 1*1.4
This week 1*0.8
Weekly loss 0.6

Total Challenge loss 3.0

Here we go again

2012-01-04T07:46:00.004-05:00

I'm a little late in posting my annual New Year's goals/resolutions post. But better late than never, right.

I was a little disappointed in my year last year. Turning 40 was a huge milestone for me and I didn't get to where I wanted to be (mentally & physically) by my deadline. However, I am not going to let that stop me. Here are my goals for the coming year:

Get back on track with exercising regularly
Begin running again
Run a 5K
Focus on healthy eating as a family
Have more one-on-one dates with my girls
Schedule regular date nights with my husband
Socialize more with friends
Keep the house tidy longer
Pay down debt

I've really decided that this is the year of me. In order for me to feel good about myself, I need to get physically and mentally in better shape. I need more quality time with the people I love (including myself!).

As a mom, it is so easy to lose yourself in your children and their activities. Between working full time and parenting 3 kids, I rarely have time for me. What that results in is meals on the go, little time for exercise, and the pounds start creeping up. That also results in mom being cranky and snippy and quick to lose her temper. I hate yelling at my kids and I absolutely need to fix that.

I want to rejoin Weight Watchers, and will hopefully get to do that this weekend. Of course, finding the time to make it to a meeting is a struggle. My husband is on board with all of this, so that definitely helps.

I am also back on the wagon with the Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans! The initial weigh-in was on Jan 1, but I waited until after my New Year's meal of pork and sauerkraut!

My weigh-in on Monday was depressing, I have put on so much weight that I am now at my heaviest in a while. However, with my new goals, I am determined to fix this now! I've been really good about tracking my calories and have worked out everyday this week, so far.

Here's the numbers so far:
Starting weight 1*3.8
This week 1*1.4
Weekly loss -2.4

Total Loss -2.4

Here's to 2012, the year of ME!

40

2011-11-07T12:12:00.005-05:00

Today I turn 40.

Up until a few weeks ago, I really didn't see this as a big deal. I still really don't. I'm not devastated to be turning 40. Hell, I don't even feel like 40 is OLD. I can't really put my finger on what the problem is, but I definitely feel off.

I don't know if it's hormones or a "mid-life crisis", but I am not feeling happy about lots of things right now. Since I have no other things to blame it on, it must be the fact that I have this "momentous" birthday.

I feel like, nothing I do is right. That I haven't reached goals I feel like I should. That something is empty or unfulfilled. As I said before, I can't put my finger on what it is, but I'm not happy about it.

I'm sure I could chalk it up to the fact that I've got three young kids, a husband, a job and volunteering responsibilities that have me pulled in 17 different directions. But I don't know. I have friends with similar responsibilities, and they seem fine. But then again, I wonder if I seem fine to them

Don't get me wrong. I love my husband and my kids. My job is great. It's just that something seems off.

I often feel as though my husband and kids don't appreciate me. I know that they do, it's just that I don't feel it. Ever since I was a little girl, I have needed the validation, the hugs, the "I love you's". I can't explain it, I just crave it. Maybe it's the middle child thing (as I feel as though my middle child is the same way). The thing is, even though I know how my family feels about me, I don't get the validation (except from the littlest one) very often. I'm always fighting with the older two, or they are fighting with each other. It's exhausting. There are times that my husband and I just interact like roommates raising children. I can't tell you the number of times, we've spent evenings in silence, him on his ipad, me on my laptop.

so, instead of looking to the positive, I find myself dwelling on the negative, the goals unmet, relationships unfulfilled.

My kids fight all the time

I can't keep my house clean

There are always bills to pay

I am ungrateful when my husband buys me a gift and I focus on how it is not exactly what I had in mind

I haven't' come anywhere close to my fitness/weight goals

I am hoping that once this day is past, I can get out of the funk that I seem to be in.

ghany girl

2011-06-22T07:56:00.007-04:00

They say that the sense of smell can bring back long forgotten memories. They are so true.

As a pre-teen, I had the pleasure of attending Camp Alleghany, a camp for girls in West Virginia. My mother had once been a counselor at this camp and I had heard so many stories of her time there.

I remember being completely nervous and anxious heading off on the charter bus, but so excited for my new experiences.

I attended 'Ghany for three years (not consecutively, as my sister had the chance to go as well). They were the most amazing summers of my life. I had never attended a sleep away camp before, or since, so I don't really know if my experiences there are unique to this camp or not; I would like to believe that they are.

I try explaining why 'Ghany is such a great place to my husband, and he ends up looking at me as though I were crazy (he may be right, but not about camp). Even as I write this, I have a hard time coming up with words to describe and explain why Camp is so special to me.

This past Sunday, I had the pleasure of taking my oldest daughter for her first Camp Alleghany experience- a week of Mini Camp, allowed for first timers. As we stood on the banks of the Greenbrier River waiting for the Barge to ferry us over to Camp, so many emotions filled my heart. The sound of the Barge scraping the ramp was such a welcome sound. Sarah and her friend (who chose to attend Camp with her) were filled with nervous energy and couldn't wait to get across the river.

As the Barge neared the opposite side of the river, the line of counselors dressed in Blues & Whites, linked arm in arm, greeted us with a familiar song..."A welcome we're singing to you today..." Tears welled in my eyes as I remembered being serenaded in a similar fashion many years ago.

Once we were checked in at the store and the infirmary, we walked to Junior Camp to tent row. The second I entered her tent, I was smacked in the face with a such a familiar scent, it nearly knocked me over. The aroma of the tent alone transported me back 25 years to when I was a camper. It was amazing: the campfires, vespers, the walk through the woods to the dining hall, dances with Greenbrier boys, drama productions, the Old Johns, assemblies, hospital corners & inspections, Blue/Gray competitions (go Gray!), mail call, Cooper, Frannie, glass bottles of coke & fireballs at the store after dinner, peppermint patties & peanut butter, lunch under the apple tree. Big sigh!

I am positive that my daughters now think I am crazy, but I am hoping that Sarah will now have a glimpse into why!

flashbacks

2011-06-15T08:10:00.003-04:00

Growing up, I was not part of the "popular group". I spent many years during my adolescence wondering if people liked me. Trying to wear the right clothes, do the right things, have the right "stuff", so that I could be like those girls everyone flocked to.

I was overweight and short with frizzy hair that wouldn't do a damn thing. Eventually, I found my circle of friends and was fine. But there was always that nagging feeling in the back of my mind and in the bottom of my heart of "am I good enough?"

As I got older, I gained much more confidence and the world around me seemed to care less that I wasn't Ms. Perfect. I dated, I married, I had kids. I have a job I enjoy and usually I feel pretty confident about who I am.

Every now and again, something happens to rip me open and expose that little girl who feels left out. I begin to question if I'm part of circles that I thought I was. I wonder, do people really like me, or are they just pretending. Basically, my self-esteem gets so flipped I begin to question things.

This week, I had two of these situations happen. One left me scratching my head, the other pissed me off completely. I am sure that the parties involved had no intention of slighting me and I am manufacturing the problems in my own messed up head. But, how do I really know? The questions keep surfacing. As grown up as I try to be, the little left-out girl in me still surfaces--wanting to be part of the "popular group", wanting to have close relationships with the "cool people", wanting to be someone that others want to be with, not just a hanger on.

what were they thinking

2011-05-19T07:52:00.005-04:00

This past weekend my local community was reminded again at how fragile life is and how quickly things can change.

In the wee hours of the morning on Sunday, May 15 I heard the far-away sirens through my open bedroom window. It struck me at how long they lasted. It didn't seem like lots of sirens, just a really long one. I remember thinking how odd, and maybe I'm imagining this. We woke the next day to news of a horrible car accident that had shut down the road only a few miles away near the soccer fields my oldest plays on.

As the details emerged, we discovered that it was a one car collision with a tree. Three of the five occupants of the vehicle were killed and one was injured. I found my self assuming the driver had been drunk, but was also remembering how wet the roads were that night. I had hoped it wasn't kids, it's prom season you know.

Later in the day the names and ages of the victims were released (they were all 18 or older) along with the information that the driver left the seen and was arrested three hours later. The youngest victim, Haeley McGuin was a local high school senior, just weeks from her graduation. The other two killed, Spencer Datt and John Hoover, were recent alumna of the same high school.

My heart immediately dropped. I travelled back in time to February of 2010 to the death of my student, a senior. The situations of their deaths differ, yet the grief still very much the same. Both situations lend themselves to "teachable moments".

When my student committed suicide, the troops mobilized and we talked to the kids about reaching out to others in need, talking to someone about what is troubling you, not bottling in feelings. We talked about anger and betrayal by a friend we thought we knew. We talked about the signs that something is not right.

In this situation, it has been suggested by the state's attorney that alcohol was involved. This is a prime opportunity for the community and the school, but most importantly parents, to talk about the dangers of drinking and driving.

Growing up, I knew about the dangers of drinking and driving. I was a member of my schools SADD club. I went to parties where there was drinking, but I absolutely never drove after drinking. Typically, I was the one with a car, so I was always the designated driver. But really, I didn't hang out with a big drinking crowd. But I knew to NEVER get in the car with someone who was drinking.

I know that the message is still out there, but maybe it is not as strong as it used to be.

I hear many stories as a high school counselor that concern me. There are many parents out there that either aren't present enough in their child's life (physically or emotionally) or are too present, working too hard to be their child's friend. my plea to any parent of a teenager is this, you are not supposed to be your child's friend at this stage in their life. They need you to set rules and boundaries, and yes, at times they are going to say they hate you. Allowing your child to set their own rules is a recipe for disaster.

So, hug your kids. Let them know you love them. But set limits and rules. Let them know that they can call you, at any time, no questions asked for a ride. Let them know that people do die; Haeley McGuire, Spencer Datt, and John Hoover did not get into that car expecting to die.

puppy love

2011-03-20T20:37:00.004-04:00

After months of missing our Zoe, we decided that it would be time to bring another dog into our lives. After weeks of scrolling through Petfinder.com and local rescue group websites, we fell in love with a litter of lab mix puppies.

Without telling the girls, we submitted an application to adopt and waited to hear from them. We had a phone interview and arranged to meet the pups in person last Saturday. We woke the girls very early since we had to drive 45 minutes away and were meeting the pups at 8:30 am. The girls thought we were going shopping to hit some "early bird specials".

The girls chatted away while Pat and I smirked the whole way there. We turned into the boarding facility and no one batted an eye. Pat told them that we had to visit one of my friends first. We drive down a long driveway to the kennel and pull up front. Megan actually reads the sign and says, "Kennel? Zoe's dead, why are we at a kennel?" Sarah finally realizes what is going on and gets all excited. Then, they see the puppies in the play yard. The girls go crazy. We calmed them down and told them that we were just visiting them and were not taking a puppy home!

We played with the pups and fell in love with them all. We set our sights on Max, but then come up with Rex and Marley as our backups. The next step in the process was a home visit and the rescue group began the long process of finding someone who could come out to the house. Meanwhile, I got an email telling us that Max has been spoken for. We were all crushed and began to rethink our second choice. Pat went back to the boarding facility and took a look at them all again. After learning from everyone involved with these puppies had Rex as their favorite, we decided to go with Rex.

Our home visit was yesterday morning and by 2pm, I received an email saying that we were approved. The rescue group was anxious to get him placed and drove him to our house at 8:30pm last night!

I was a busy evening, buying food, toys, a collar, etc. Once the puppy came home we had such a ball playing with him and trying to figure out a name. We narrowed it down to Crosby (for Syndey Crosby of the Pittsburgh Penguins), Brody, & Chance. Pat and I really wanted Crosby, but we couldn't get the girls to go with it. Megan really wanted Nick (since the puppies were born on Christmas Eve), but no one really wanted it but her. We went to sleep without a definite name for him.

The puppy slept pretty good, getting up only at 2am to go potty. He settled down pretty quickly too!

So this morning we decided on Chance Nicholas as the pups name. He is a sweet lovable boy who loves to snuggle and play. He's already figured out how to go up and down the stairs and has gotten his first bath. The girls are smitten, and so are we!

i suck

2011-03-17T08:46:00.002-04:00

I totally suck.

I haven't updated here in way too long. Of course, I really don't know who reads this besides my parents, upon occasion.

Obviously, our basement is finished by now, and at some point I will post pictures. We absolutely LOVE it and the girls are down there all the time. Pat was given free reign to purchase the TV he wanted, so now hangs on the wall a 55 inch LED TV. He is so happy to be able to watch TV without needing to wear his glasses or contacts!

Sarah turned 10 on Feb 23rd and we ushered it in with her very first slumber party. We had a total of 9 girls (including our own 3) running around the house for a Spa themed party. We painted nails, made scented bath salts, gave each other chocolate facials, made lip gloss & watched a movie in the NEW BASEMENT! The girls were asleep by 1am, so they tell me. I shut the basement door and didn't hear a peep all night!!!

Our latest news is that we are about to get a new puppy! We are in the screening process for a rescue lab mix. We've met the pups and are about to have our home visit on Saturday morning. The girls are so excited (the adults are too!)

Hoping to update a bit more regularly, and with pictures, soon!

basement update

2011-01-06T19:23:00.005-05:00

I haven't posted a Basement update in a while, so I thought I'd bring you up to speed on what is happening.

Shortly after the last pictures were taken, we realized that we had a water problem in the basement. Ever since we moved in we have had an issue with the walkout stairs in the back. During heavy rains, water runs down the stairs and overwhelms the small drain and then begins to seep under the doorway into the basement. Pat fixed the problem earlier this summer, by changing the drain cover to one that rises higher than the ground and has vertical slats to allow more water to flow in and prevent it from getting clogged by leaves and debris. No more leaks!

So we thought.

Right after we signed the contract for the basement renovation, we had a weekend of steady rain. The next morning, the basement floor bore the tell tale signs of water seepage. This time in a different spot, just to the right of the basement door. Pat got a little nervous about dropping all this money on the basement just to have it ruined by water damage.

So we looked in to waterproofing companies. I began to get a pit in my stomach just thinking about how much they were going to slam us for. Pat called two companies to come out for estimates. The first company gave us the whole song-and-dance with a binder full of pictures of how the basement was constructed, the perils of heavy clay soil, water flow, etc. His solution was to dig a hole inside the back wall of the basement and install a new drain-similar to a french drain-all the way along the back wall to the sump pump. And then also replace the sump pump. There was more to it than that, but I really started zoning out at that point. The price he quoted us was over $9,000, with a discount for doing it between Thanksgiving and the New Year, making it a little over $6,000. To be honest, I was expecting the damage to be more.

A second company came out and gave Pat the same diagnosis. The sales woman was less of a hard-sell than the first one, and recommended the same fix for the basement at nearly half the price. We locked in and unfortunately had to pay the basement contractor extra and lose 2 days of work for them to take down the studs along the back wall and then to put them back up after the waterproofing was done.

All in all, I am glad we did it. We now have peace of mind that we won't have water in the basement...so worth it!

Here is what the basement looked like on New Years Eve. The drywall has been hung, mudded and sanded. Closet doors have been hung and the wood trim is up as well.The house is dusty, but we are getting there. We have picked the paint color and it is going up on the walls this week. Once the paint is up, I'll be able to pick carpet to be installed when the contractor is done. CANNOT wait for it to be finished.

Year's End

2010-12-31T20:52:00.006-05:00

As I sit here on New Year's Eve with my favorite four people in the world, I can't help but think back on the year that was. It wasn't a remarkable year by any means, but it was one where I feel like things began to fall into place.

There were definite ups and downs this year. but I feel so content going into 2011. Don't get me wrong, my kids frustrate me at times, the house is always a mess, there are times when Pat pisses me off (I seriously doubt that I ever piss him off) and there are always bills to pay, but I really feel good about the coming year. I have no idea what this year will bring, but something tells me it will be a great year!

My hopes and dreams for 2011:

To spend more time really enjoying my children
To have more patience so that I can enjoy my children
To spend more time working on me
To spend more time with my husband
To make my 40th year the best it can be.

More concrete goals:

Continue my workout schedule
Run a 5K with Pat in the spring
Become more organized when it comes to menu planning
Get my budget in check

Happy New Year!

basement renovation

2010-12-12T20:09:00.004-05:00

A few months ago, we decided that the time was right to finally finish the basement. We've lived in this house for over four years and we had intended to do it three years ago, but instead we had another baby!

The contract was signed on Nov 2 and work began on Dec 1. Once finished we will have a full bath and some adult, as well as kid, space. We are very excited.

I will update periodically as more work is completed.

candy anyone?

2010-11-30T19:03:00.005-05:00

I just realized that I forgot to write about Emma's first trip to the Emergency room a few weeks back. I got sidetracked by other issues.

Sarah, Emma and I were sitting on the couch watching TV just before bedtime. I was playing on my laptop while they sat next to me finishing up some Halloween candy. I can't remember what Sarah was eating, but Emma had a roll of Smarties and was gingerly nibbling the edges of them, one by one. Emma starts fussing and Sarah yells, she's got an M & M up her nose. I threw the laptop to the ground and grab Emma and try to look up her nose. All the while, asking her "did you put something up your nose". She just started crying (I probably scared her to death) and wouldn't answer me. Pat jumped off of his couch and got a flashlight. WE laid her down, and then I saw it. A rounded edge of a yellow Smartie was clearly evident just beyond the main cavity of her left nostril. Pat asked if I was sure it wasn't an M&M. I have no idea where Sarah got that idea from, maybe she was eating the M&M's but Emma was definitely eating Smarties.

I scooped up Emma, grabbed my shoes, wallet & keys and headed out the door. Thankfully, we live half a mile from the hospital. In retrospect, I 'm sure I could have handled this at home, but I panicked and didn't want to make it worse. She was crying pretty bad at this point and giving me looks that made it seem as if it were burning the inside of her nose.

I got to the ER and we ended up having to wait for what seemed FOREVER before they even talked to us to find out what the problem was. Eventually, the called us to the desk and we gave them the scenario and Emma got her pretty green and white bracelets. by the time we sat back down to wait some more to be seen, Emma had stopped crying. I think that all the tears and snot melted the bugger away on their own.

The nurse called us into the Pediatric wind and got us situated. I turned on some TV for Emma and she sat calmly on the bed. They took her vitals and then the doctor came in. She was great, her bedside manner was wonderful. We laughed about the candy and I told her that I think it had already melted away. She took a look and asked me if I knew what color the candy was. I told her yellow, she responded, "Yep, sure is!"

We laid Emma down and she used a long swab to scoop out what was in there...bright yellow goop. Then she used a saline was to rinse things out. Emma did not like that at all. But, she recovered quickly. We picked out a sticker and were discharged.

the whole time we were there, I was texting Pat with updates. He was telling me that Sarah was so worried for her sister. I had to take a picture and send it to him so that he could show her that everything was ok.

She remembers it all, and probably will. She has a great memory! Last week she had a cold and told us that she had boogies in her nose and that we had to go to the hospital to get them taken out just like when she had the candy in her nose!

Thankful

2010-11-25T15:06:00.002-05:00

This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for so much.

For family that lives nearby so that my children can have wonderful relationships with Aunts and Uncles, Grandparents & cousins.

For friends who let me vent and be myself.

For children who give me hugs, even though it was just after they royally pissed me off.

For my husband who puts up with me as much as I put up with him. Who is my best friend and companion, and the love of my life.

We have our health home filled with love and laughter, a roof over our heads, food in the cupboards and clothes on our backs. We are blessed.

love

2010-11-15T08:08:00.004-05:00

My birthday was last week, and it fucking sucked. I didn't get to see any of my family before I left for the day, which isn't anything that different, but usually Pat gets up and we have coffee while reading the paper together. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal, but in looking back, it just adds to my shittastic day.

I am able to squeeze a quick workout in after work and go to pick up my kids from aftercare and daycare. Sarah wishes me a happy birthday, and then as we drive away from the school, she proceeds to fight with me about going to choir. We get Emma and head home to where I find cards and birthday gifts, unwrapped, set out on the kitchen table. I open the card from the kids and it's great, I love it. Pat's card is nice, but there isn't a thing written in it. The gifts are fine, strange, but fine; he got me a pillow and a lap desk for my laptop-neither of which I needed or wanted. My husband got home, and figured out what we would have for dinner and went and picked it up. He could tell I wasn't thrilled about the gifts, but never said a word to me about how my day went, never said happy birthday, never gave me even a hug or a kiss. We went to bed and he fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

I woke up Thursday morning in a horrible mood. As I got ready for work, it hit me that the only person who hugged me the day before was the toddler. The only person who told me they loved me on my birthday was the toddler. I cried on my way to work and got so angry with my husband for being an insensitive jerk.

I had a long talk with one of my best friends at work and she told me that I needed to have a talk with him about how I felt and that it wasn't anything to do with the gifts. She worked with me on finding the words to tell him that I need more affection, things needed to change.

I followed her advice and we had a great talk after dinner that day. He agreed that he needed to do better and that we needed to work on things. He neglected to give me the hug and kiss that I needed though. Our evening was interrupted by a trip to the ER with the little one, but he genuinely seemed concerned and willing to put forth more effort.

The next few days, he was working in the evening, but he made it a point to kiss me goodbye and tell me he loved me. But that was the extent of it. Last night, was our first evening together in a few days. We were having some decent conversation during the Steelers game, despite sitting on two separate couches (something I told him was getting in the way of our emotional intimacy). He wasn't that into the game and had said that if the Steelers fell behind by 14 points, he was turning off the game. At halftime, we closed up, went upstairs, and got ready for bed. He cleared off his side of the bed and then went downstairs, I assumed, because he had forgotten to do something. He never came back up. The game continued to be a blow –out and he stayed downstairs. I began to get pissed. The later it got, the more pissed I became. Emma woke up and needed to go potty, and when I got up with her and he still wasn't in the bed, I was fuming.

Maybe I'm overreacting, but I really felt like we needed to spend time together, talking or just being close, considering what went down on my birthday and the fact that he just came off working an evening shift which means we don't get to see too much of each other.

I am still pissed off this morning. I really feel like he wasn't even listening to what I said the other night. I need to feel appreciated, I need to feel as though I am important, I need you to ask how my day went, I need you to touch me, a hug, a kiss, a hand on my back. I need to feel like you are putting me and our marriage first every now and again. I need you to realize that when I tell you that I had a rough day with the kids, that I need some support from you, a hug, something.

hiatus

2010-11-02T17:47:00.003-04:00

It has been a while since I've written anything here. I just ran out of time be able to put anything coherent down in writing. I promise to be better!

Here are some highlights that I hope I'll be able to write more about later.

I had an amazing night out with college girlfriends last weekend. It was so much fun and so needed!

We finally decided on a contractor for our basement renovation project, and signed the contract today! He says he should be able to start in two weeks, maybe sooner if we can get the basement cleared out fast!

Sarah's soccer season has been going well, they were undefeated until this past Saturday, which means even though they probably have the best record, they won't be playing in the championship next week.

I started, and just re-started, the Couch to 5K program (C25K). I am very excited to be doing this. Hoping to participate in a virtual 5K with the Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans. and then sometime in the spring, Pat and I want to do a real 5K together.

pain

2010-10-01T18:40:00.003-04:00

Last week was a bad week for two friends of mine.

As a counselor, I am used to hearing bad news, and helping people through a crisis. However, it is sometimes much harder when it is people you know. And when the crisis they are gong through is one that you haven't even come close to experiencing yourself.

One of my closest girlfriends at work called in sick last Tuesday. I assumed it was something with her little one, until she came into work the next day. It turns out her 2 year old was fine. Instead, she informed me, she had suffered a miscarriage. Since she was 12 weeks along, we all had thought she was in the "safe zone". She was devastated--is devastated. She is in so much pain, and is trying to find ways to overcome it. She hasn't talked much about it, because she says it hurts too much. She feels as though her husband just doesn't understand the connection she already felt with this baby. She had named it, thought about how she would decorate the nursery, made plans that now she has to put on hold. She struggled to get pregnant with her first child and it took a while for this pregnancy to come to be as well. She knows she is older and things aren't going to get easier. I am sure this experience has also opened fresh wounds from her first pregnancy-she initially was pregnant with twins, but due to serious medical complications, she had to selectively reduce one of the babies. Thankfully, I haven't lost a pregnancy, nor have I had to make the devastating choice to save one child over another. I can't imagine what she is going through, and I hope that my open arms, open heart , and caring ear has, and will continue, to help her in the grieving process.

Another woman, who I consider a friend, even though we have never met face to face, is going through a horribly painful, life shattering divorce. She has been struggling with so many issues for so many months, only to learn of horrendous betrayal that multiplied last week. It is much harder to offer support over the many miles between us. I send encouraging words and positive thoughts her way, and take comfort in knowing that she has an incredible circle of friends to lean on during her darkest hours. The written word, through tweets and emails, is not always the best way to express oneself. I struggle to find the right combination of words to express my concern, and support.

It is times like these where I wish I had a magic wand to take away the deep pain that both of these women and their families are struggling with.

I hate sundays

2010-09-26T21:03:00.003-04:00

I am not sure what it is about Sundays that get my children to decide to make my life miserable. Without fail, my Sunday morning is spent yelling and screaming trying to get them out of the house so that we can get to church in time for Sunday School.

Today, the argument was primarily with Sarah who refused to put her clean clothes away from yesterday. Pat yelled at her that her play date would be cancelled if she didn't take care of it. Of course, the hysterics began. It becomes all about how horrible we are as parents, not about her responsibilities.

I hate the fighting that always precedes church. I hate yelling at my kids. I hate feeling this way on a day when you are supposed to rejoice. Part of me wants to just leave them at home. Of course, that defeats the point of teaching them about God and religion. Part of me is so jealous of those who don't go to church. To wake up with no agenda, no rush to be somewhere. To be able to leisurely plan my day. But then again, I'm sure my kids would fight me about that too!

potty time

2010-09-16T19:50:00.003-04:00

One of my good friends had a daughter a few weeks after we had Emma. We've been comparing their developmental milestones ever since. Emma sat first, M spoke first (I'm pretty sure M spoke in full sentences before Emma said 2 words, Emma walked first, M recognized colors and letters (seriously, this girl is smart). Well, my girlfriend decided that when M was 18 months old, she was ready to potty train. She bought pull-ups and got some books and videos and was determined to have her potty trained. She told me stories of friends who potty trained their kids that early and she was determined. I was skeptical, but she was a first time mom and, well, you know how they can be (wink).

So as the days-and then weeks-went on, L shared her frustration with the whole process. She was upset that the daycare provider was not working with her, she was upset that her daughter didn't seem to be making progress, even though she would use the potty at home a few times a day. I tried to tell her that it was probably too soon. I also shared with her my suggestions on potty training, but she brushed them off. I don't know what it is about this process that makes mothers so defensive. Friends have come to me with numerous parenting questions from breastfeeding advice to what first foods should they try. However, when it comes to potty training, everyone thinks they have the best solution. I certainly don't profess to be an expert, but I am on my third child and I've learned a few things along the way. But, whatever, you keep trying your method and let me know how that works.

I am a firm believer in naked potty training. Pull-ups are only used for outings, naps & bedtimes. The way I see it, if you teach them to pee in a pull up, it is no different than peeing in a diaper. We go naked in the house, wear pull-ups only when necessary and once it seems like the child has figured out when they have to go, we try training panties (those thick multi-ply cotton ones that Gerber makes). It is often two steps forward, one step back (or even one step forward, two steps back). Usually the first few times in panties, end up in accidents. all three of my girls could go accident free for weeks when naked, but then as soon as a cotton pantie went on, they would pee. It must be something about just feeling something on their bottom.

About 8 months or so, we brought our potty out of storage and let Emma get used to seeing it. She took to it pretty quickly. We spent a lot of time naked, a.lot.of.time. Then Summer hit. It is hard to do naked potty training when your are outside all the time playing with the neighbor kids. So, I didn't push the issue. We were still naked most of the time in the house, but I wasn't pressed to get it done right then.

Then one evening, Emma decided to go poop in the big potty. We were amazed and excited! She was so proud of herself for pooping in the potty like a big girl. It seemed she turned a corner on her own. Then came Elly. Elly was the new girl at daycare who is a bit older than Emma and was already close to being potty trained. That was all it took. Lina, the daycare provider started taking Emma to the potty along with Elly, and the next thing I knew, Emma was coming home in the same diaper she left home with. Last week, Lina handed me a huge bag of diapers and said she didn't need them anymore. Instead, I sent in a few pull-ups and panties and a change of clothes. She's been wearing panties ever since!

My baby is potty trained!! My baby is potty trained. I'm not so sure this milestone is a bittersweet as some of the others.

Oh, and my friend's baby M, she's still walking around wearing pull-ups as diapers. And, she finally asked me to tell her what to do.

cat people, rats & goldfish

2010-09-10T08:00:00.001-04:00

To be honest, part of me felt as though no one would understand my grief after Zoe's death. I kept waiting for people to say, "but she's just a dog". Fortunately, everyone understood. everyone seemed to sympathize and many grieved with us.

However, there was a conversation last week that still has me miffed, to say the least. This conversation was with a couple who are cat people. We were greeted with the usual, "we were so sorry to hear about Zoe", etc. There was a brief conversation about what happened and then a comment that still bothers me, "We know how you feel, we've lost a rat and about 5 goldfish. It's tough".

Really, you are comparing the loss of an animal that should not even be domesticated and a few goldfish to the death of my companion of 11 years. Seriously?!? WTF!!

There are clear differences between cat and dog people. There is something seriously wrong with them.

Or maybe it was just this cat person.

a letter of love

2010-09-01T21:47:00.007-04:00

Rest in Peace
Zoe
May 8, 1999 - August 30, 2010

My Sweet Sweet Zoe,

My first "baby", my companion, my kids' protector and playmate, my loyal friend. You gave us so much over your 11 years on this earth. You were always there with a sloppy kiss and your famous full body wag. A bad mood or sad day could easily be turned around with some of your puppy love.

I remember picking you out of your litter. [Pat still gives me grief that I chose the active pup instead of the laid back one -I had read that a lethargic pup could indicate an illness]. That first year or two with you were so important to me. Your companionship got me through the lonely nights as a newlywed whose husband worked long/late hours. You were there with me when I had moments of doubt, moments of fear, and moments of joy. You listened, without judgement, when I rambled on about God knows what.

When Sarah was born, you were so curious, yet cautious. It was as if you knew a great friend had come into your life and you so wanted to play with her. But you knew to be gentle and patient, in ways I had never seen. You became Sarah's companion and she came to love you like I did, maybe even more deeply.

As each new baby arrived, you learned the joys of a never ending stream of crumbs and treats that would end up on the floor. Always patient with the girls, you let them climb all over you, try to ride you like a horse, and pull your tail. I am so grateful that you never snapped at them, never growled, never gave us any cause for concern. In fact, you were so giving and forgiving, that you would allow Emma to sneak kibble from your bowl, even as you were eating it.

I know that as the years went on, the attention we showered with you began to fade. It never meant that we loved you less. There were times when you demanded our attention and would flip your head up under our hands so that we would pet you, over and over again. I wish I could go back and make sure you always felt loved and needed.

You were a wonderful dog, but a horrible Labrador. I will never forget our first trip to Deep Creek Lake, Maryland; you refused to go but knee deep in the water, and were afraid of the ducks. You rarely retrieved anything. You barked at anything (or nothing), but surely would just lick a burglar upon entry. You always seemed to be underfoot, but that was only because you always wanted to be around us. You were never content to spend long periods of time outside or away from us. You always seemed to want to be in the same room as us, and that was just fine.

This last year aged you and I don't know why. Just Sunday afternoon as we laid on the floor petting you, I looked into your eyes and I saw how tired you were. Little did I know that would be the last time we would share that moment.

I want you to know that you were so important to this family. We miss you so much in all that we do. In fact, as we were driving your body to the veterinarian's office, I turned to Daddy and said, " you know, I looked at the food on the counter and thought 'we better put it up or Zoe will get it'". It turns out that Daddy thought the same thing! We both shared a laugh and at that moment I realized how your presence touched every aspect of our lives.

We are healing, slowly. Sarah was upset, as you can only imagine. You and she had a special relationship, one that can never be duplicated. Daddy and I are grieving for our first baby and it is hard.

I hope that you didn't suffer in the end, but I am grateful that you passed away while Daddy was off of work, sparing the girls and I from coming home to find you after their first day of school. I hope that you knew...know how much you were loved and appreciated. I hope you are chasing the bunnies, and maybe a few ducks too!

Love,

Mommy

views of hatteras

2010-08-19T21:39:00.007-04:00

Now that I am back at work and am staring the start of a new school year down, I thought I'd post some more pics from our vacation a few weeks ago.

My tan is fading, but the cold I caught while in the Outer Banks still lingers on.

Seriously, we had a great vacation with wonderful people in North Carolina and I wish we could afford to go for 2 weeks! You would think that with 13 "kids" (a few of them aren't really kids anymore) and 10 adults that it would be hectic and full of drama. So far from the truth. We get along better with Pat's cousin's and their families than we do with some of his brother's and their famlies. It is such an easy vacation, I wish they could all be this easy.

Sarah on the beach

Megan digging a big hole in the sand.

Emma enjoying the beach

All the "kids"

Our last evening at the beach

performance art

2010-08-15T21:45:00.002-04:00

When we were at the beach house, Emma routinely asked to be put "on the wall". It wasn't until I was in the room one time that I understood what she was talking about.

hardwood snowball

2010-08-15T21:13:00.006-04:00

After the debacle that was the mysterious leak in June, we have almost finished the restoration projects. The fans and dehumidifiers were gone after a week, along with a 4x2 section of the kitchen ceiling. The house was declared to be dry and the insurance adjuster determined how much it should cost us to fix the place and issued a check. The carpet in the dining room was deemed a loss, so we began the process of determining what to put in it's place. I have never been a big fan of carpet in the dining room, and we had be thinking about eventually replacing it with hardwood, so we figured this was the time!

The more we thought about it, the more we realized that if we lay the floor, we need to paint the walls. Then we got to thinking if we're painting, we need to finally put up curtains. So, the home improvement project snowballed, just a little, and we finally ended up with a completed dining room. Eventually, I'll get a bigger table and chairs that match, but that can wait.

Here is a partial picture of what the dining room looked like before. We are notorious for NOT taking before pictures, and this is no exception.

And here is the after! The pictures aren't on the wall yet, but everything else is.

the apple of her eye

2010-08-10T09:00:00.000-04:00

The video capabilities of my little digital camera is not that great. So the footage I've posted and am about to post it a lot grainy and a little hard to hear.

While we were on vacation in the Outer Banks of North Carolina Emma got a chance to really get to know her extended family. For the past two summers we've vacationed with Pat's cousins, Dee & Dennis and their families, as well as Pat's aunt and uncle. Add another couple, a girlfriend, and a best friend, and you've got a big awesome house filled with 24 great people.

This year, the weather was perfect and the kids were so well behaved. For many people, getting along with family can be difficult. I'll be the first to admit that there are some members of our large family that I don't think I could spend a week in the same house with. But, not so with this crowd. All of our personalities seem to mesh together well. The kids all get along great, and we even had a few built in babysitters.

Shortly after we arrived, Emma attached herself to one of her second cousins and didn't let go. She was all over him all week. Poor Piz, I felt bad for him by the end of the week. Here is a really bad video of her attachment to Chad, whose nickname is Piz.

maiden voyage

2010-08-09T21:36:00.004-04:00

Yesterday, Megan learned to ride a 2-wheel bike without training wheels! Earlier in the summer, our neighbor, and her main playmate, learned to ride his bike in one day. She was so motivated to learn to, so we tried and tried. And she was so frustrated, she just couldn't get the balance down right. Then, we put it aside and she didn't ask for the longest time.

Last night, Megan asked her father to get her bike down and take the training wheels off so she could practice. He got her up on the bike and in no time she figured out the balance. I told them to stop so I could run and get a camera. Of course, the video camera had no charge. My small digital camera was not where it was supposed to be. My new DSLR (Nikon D5000) had video capabilities, but I haven't figured that out yet. I yelled for Sarah to come in and find my camera (since I knew she had been messing with it last). She tells me, in a very matter-of-fact voice, "It's in the little couch". We finally got the camera and I ran out to get the following shot. The camera ran out of power just as she stopped, but at least I got her maiden voyage on tape! If you listen carefully, you can hear a group of neighbors a few houses up the street cheer her on, it was so sweet.

world breastfeeding week: the end

2010-08-07T09:00:00.001-04:00

Here is a post from when I stopped breastfeeding Emma. It was a very bittersweet time in my life, one that still gives me mixed feelings.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009
The End

[Disclaimer: I am truly a breastfeeding advocate, but do realize that it is not ideal for everyone. I pass no judgement on those who chose not to, or could not breastfeed. This is just my experience. One for which I am grateful for choosing.]

I've been formulating this post in my mind for months. It has been almost two full weeks since Emma nursed. Seeing that she is 19 months old, many would consider it well past due. There is a large part of me that weeps inside knowing that I will never get the opportunity to enjoy that wonderful bonding experience again. A few weeks ago, I read a wonderful post about another mother's experience with breastfeeding. Anymommy is most definitely a gifted writer and I am sure that my post will pale in comparison.

When I began the journey of breastfeeding almost 9 years ago with my first child, I had hoped that I would be able to nurse her for a while, but was so unsure of what that really would mean. I had no preconceived ideas of how long was the right amount and what I would do if I needed to formula feed. I just fed her and it worked. She had no difficulty latching on and even with a slight bout of jaundice, we were able to nurse with little fanfare. As she was born in February, it was so nice to just snuggle in and get cozy in bed or on the couch and spend uninterrupted time providing for my baby the way nature intended.

When I returned to work, I pumped. I felt like a cow and struggled mightily with supply problems. I took pills and drank teas and tried all I could do. It got to the point where I had no "freezer stash" and was living day to day hoping that nothing would happen. I can't tell you how painful it was to discover that I had forgotten to put my milk in the fridge one day and found it the next morning still in the cooler compartment of the breast pump. I'm sure I violated some tenet of breastfeeding when I poured that precious liquid gold right into a bottle and NOT down the drain. It smelled and tasted fine to me, so I just banked on the magical properties of breast milk to keep it safe. Thankfully, Sarah came out of that just fine and we were able to make it 12 months of nursing and pumping. She finally weaned herself around 15 months and I was fine with it. Part of me missed it as we snuggled at bedtime, but I also enjoyed having my body back.

When Sarah's younger sister Megan was born, we (my ta-ta's and I) were able to fall right back into the rhythm they learned a few years earlier. The time spent actually nursing her was wonderful, the time spent hooked up to a breast pump-not so much! The same supply issues I had with Sarah were still there. Megan always seemed to enjoy the nursing more than her sister and that was painfully evident in the almost 20 months we spent joined at the mouth/breast. I had to force Megan to wean and it was not a pretty sight. But, again part of me was a little sad to be done with it.

When Emma was born, my job situation had changed some and I knew I wasn't going to be able to nurse her in the morning when she woke. Which meant she was going to drink one more bottle a day than the other girls had, and knowing how my supply was with the other girls, I had a sinking suspicion that I would have some real problems keeping up. Emma was definitely a bigger eater than her sister, it didn't hurt she was born 1.5 lbs heavier. Nursing was not an issue, but of course, supply while pumping was. I posted last fall about my meltdown and my realization that Emma was going to be my first child to have formula. At the time, I felt like a failure. Thank God for friends and family who kept me from losing my mind and helped me to realize it was far more healthier for my child to have me sane, than to insist upon breast milk only.

Emma and I both made it to 12 months and lived to tell about it. When one of her first words was "nurse", I knew I had another addict on my hands. (It was adorable when she would walk up to me at bedtime saying "Nurse? Nurse? Peas, peas, nurse?") I knew it was time, but I couldn't bring myself to wean her. Over the past few months I had gotten her nursing down to just at bedtime and then the last few weeks, I've been slowly using other means of getting her to sleep. I would nurse her for a little and then take her up to her room to read Goodnight Moon and then down she would go. The Wednesday before Thanksgiving I decided this would be a good time to try to wean. Her bedtime routine that night consisted of just the book and nothing else and no complaints. Thanksgiving night, the same. And now we are going on almost two full weeks. Now that doesn't mean she still doesn't ask, but after I tell her a few times that its "all gone" she seems to give up. That also doesn't mean that I don't miss it.

I miss the feel of a baby nestled in my arms and rooting for a familiar smell. I miss the tell-tale feel of the good latch of a hungry baby. I miss the sight of a sleeping baby drunk on mother's milk. I miss the warmth and bonding of skin on skin contact. I miss the sweet sweet smell of baby breath. I miss the joy of knowing that I was the sole source of food for my child. I miss the feeling of total contentment and an indescribable emotion when I would look into the eyes of my nursing child; a feeling only another nursing mother can fully understand.

world breastfeeding week

2010-08-04T12:32:00.005-04:00

I breastfed all three of my children, some would say for too long, others would say not long enough. However, I never wrote about my experiences until Emma came along. I am a HUGE breastfeeding proponent, while I do understand when others aren't able to do it. I try not to judge another's personal decision, while encouraging as many to do it as possible. My friends and co-workers have come to me for advice over the years and I am happy to pass along any information that I can.

In honor of World Breastfeeding Week, I though I'd re-post a few of my own breastfeeding centered posts.

This post was in the height of my frustration with pumping breast milk at work:

Monday, January 26, 2009
Here Comes Bessie

I feel like a cow.

No this is not a post about my weight loss attempts. This is a post about being milked...you have been warned.

I absolutely love breastfeeding my little one. I always have. There is nothing more special than the bond you form with your baby while feeding them the way nature intended. I love to watch her nurse and see her little jaw quiver as she suckles. The look in her eyes as she gazes up at me just melts my heart. Her little hand reaching out to touch my face as she snuggles in for the long haul. She fits perfectly in my arms and knows how to find her way with her eyes closed. It is a comfortable routine. It is home for both of us.

I have many friends who were not successful at breastfeeding and a few who never tried it. I respect their choices, but part of me feels as though they've missed such a wonderful part of motherhood that cannot be replaced. When I see another nursing mother, I am always reminded of my own experiences (past and present) and often feel as if I am a member of a special club. I was sad when Sarah weaned herself at 15 months. I wasn't as sad when I had to help Megan wean at 20 months, but I missed it none-the-less.

While I love nursing, I CANNOT STAND PUMPING! As a working mother, I need to pump at work so that little Emma can reap the benefits of breast milk while at daycare. I dread pulling out that pump and hooking myself up to it. It is time consuming, uncomfortable, an inconvenience, and a total source of stress for me. I struggle with supply and often am not able to pump enough to cover the next day. I use the weekends to "catch-up", but usually have to thaw a bottle's worth from my freezer stash once a week.

Since Emma is now 9 months old, I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. As it is she is eating more and more "food" and slowly dropping off on how much milk she gets. I just keep counting the months and hope that April gets here soon!

is that sewage on my head?

2010-06-30T10:13:00.006-04:00

It's always something.

Monday night, Pat and I were cleaning up from dinner (isn't he wonderful?) and yelled out, "there's water dripping down the wall!"

I ran up stairs knowing full well that the water was coming from the girls' bathroom that is directly above the kitchen. There was water every where. It hadn't gotten to the point where it was spilling out of the doorway into the hall, but the entire area around the toilet and tub was about 1/2 to 3/4 inches deep in water. It didn't appear as though the toilet was overflowing from the bowl, but it was running and the tank was empty. I pulled up the float to stop the flow of water, while I looked below for the shut off valve.

Once the water was turned off, I called for the girls to get me towels & lots of them. After cleaning that mess up, I went back down to the kitchen to see how bad the damage was. As soon as I entered the room I saw the tell-tale wet spot on the ceiling. It wasn't huge, but it certainly was there. Pat was emptying out the cabinets above the stove as it seemed water was seeping in. Water was dripping out of the corners of the soffits above the cabinets as well. While cleaning some of this up, I realized the carpet in the threshold between the kitchen and the dining room was wet. I grabbed a towel to soak it up and headed downstairs to see how bad it may have gotten.

As soon as I turned the corner at the bottom of the stairs, I was greeted by a large puddle of water on the floor. I yelled up to Pat that we had a situation. I had Sarah bring me a few buckets and I began moving things out of the way. The water was coming down in a steady drip, but not a major stream. It appeared that the water was running along the sewage pipe from upstairs. As I'm placing buckets strategically on the floor, I get hit with numerous large drips. Pat asks me, "is that sewage, or clean water?"

We get a few more towels and mop up the mess. Meanwhile, the girls were getting madder and madder. Right before the water started flowing from the ceiling, the girls were getting ready to head to the pool for the swim team ice cream social and raft night. They were beginning to realize that they were not going to be able to go. I am sure they will remember this for the rest of their lives as the night the toilet ruined their whole existence!

The water was all cleaned up and the kids finally put to bed while Pat and I pondered what on earth we were supposed to do next. We speculated on the cause of the problem (busted wax seal under toilet, cracked pipe, broken toilet, clogged toilet) and then do we try and repair it ourselves, do we make a homeowners claim, or not? So much to decide. Pat goes to get himself a bowl of ice cream to help him think and realized the water spot on the ceiling has grown and brought a couple of friends to the party. The initial spot has now started to bubble. He grabed a knife and poked a hole and then the small drip we had, became a steady stream of water for about 5 minutes (I might be exaggerating-and I think I tweeted that it was 10 minutes- but it sure felt like it).

Yesterday morning, we contacted the insurance company. They suggested we call a restoration service to have the water damage cleaned up and informed Pat that the policy doesn't cover the actual plumbing repair. While I went to work, Pat got busy making phone calls. I came home to 7 industrial fans and 3 dehumidifiers set up in the house. Insulation along the pipes had gotten soaked, the wet carpet was worse than we thought and actually might need to be removed. The area rugs we had in the basement have been taken away to be cleaned. The plumber was on his way and the insurance adjuster is set to come out on Friday.

We were just debating getting estimates for finishing the basement. Thankfully, it is not finished, the damage would have been SO much worse.

I took these with my BlackBerry, so they aren't the best quality. Sorry!

heart attack

2010-06-29T16:58:00.003-04:00

Last week and part of this week, the big girls are attending Camp Daddy. I have to work and didn't want the girls to miss out on morning swim practices. I didn't want a repeat of last year's pre-team experience for Megan. Pat was off on Mon & Tuesday and then was scheduled to work evenings the rest of the week. IT was perfect. I didn't have to pay for camp, the kids didn't miss out on swim practice & they got quality time with Daddy! Win-Win-draw!

The girls had dentist appointments on Thursday. Pat was not thrilled to have to take them, but knew there was really no option. I always hate taking the girls because at some point I'm going to get a lecture about how they need to brush better, no fruit snacks, etc. The last few times we've gone, Megan has ended up with a few cavities. I, think I have come to dread her appointments more than she does. I can't think of anything I would rather do less than go with her to get a cavity filled.

After their appointment, Sarah called me at work to let me know that she had 5 cavities and Megan had 3. My mouth dropped and I couldn't even muster a sound. I knew that their brushing wasn't the greatest, but I had not anticipated this. Part of me was in disbelief and I think I finally muttered a "you're kidding, right?" I still can't remember what Sarah's response was, I just sat there at my desk trying to get my mind to grasp hold of what she had just told me. Finally, I heard Pat's voice on the other end of the line. He chuckled, "I told Sarah there was no way you'd fall for that."

Evidently, Sarah is following in her father's footsteps. He is always trying to shock me and get me to believe his outrageous stories. Both girls had a perfect visit to the dentist with NO cavities and little chastising by the dentist. Go figure!

loopless

2010-06-19T09:19:00.002-04:00

I hate being left out of the loop.

Can't go into any more details than that. Just suffice it to say, it bothers me greatly.

I also hate being the one who is always thinking of others. For once, why can't I just do things for me and my family.

I guess it just goes to who I am, the very fiber of my being.

I am a pleaser. I don't like controversy and confrontation. I will go out of my way to avoid conflict. I want everyone to like me, and if they don't, I need to find out why.

I should feel happy that I've been left out of the loop on this occassion, as it does make things easier. But Damn! Did you forget about me, did you think I wouldn't care, did you think it was right?

I need to let it go.

post-op

2010-06-15T13:20:00.003-04:00

Yesterday morning, I woke a little later than my usual time and headed out to drive myself to the surgical center by 6:45. My surgery to remove my gall bladder, a cholecystectomy, was scheduled for 7:45 and I needed to be there an hour earlier. In order to get the girls off to school and daycare, we decided that I would drive myself and then Pat would come later so that he could drive me home. We would leave a car there and pick it up later.

I was taken back to get ready for surgery and given gown and fashionable no-slip socks to wear. They started my IV and I waited for the Dr to finish his first operation of the day (I can't imagine how early I would have had to be there for that one). I met with the doctor and physician's assistant as well as the anesthesiologist and answered the same questions over and over (any allergies, what am I having done, any previous surgeries, etc). When that was done they walked me back to the operating room, strapped my arms down and the last thing I remember is taking a few deep breaths of the anesthesia.

The next think I know I am waking up in recovery a little freaked out. The few times I been under general anesthesia, I wake up either too giddy, or upset. This was an upset one and it really freaked me out. They moved me to a chair to sit and I was beyond thirsty. The rest of the time I was there is pretty much a blur. Pat joined me, but I really don't remember much of what was said to me during that time. I changed into my clothes and was wheeled out to the car to go home. I really feel as though they rushed me out and I could have used a little more time to sit and get my bearings.

I came home and slept and vegged out much of the rest of the day. The kids were anxious to see me when they came home from school. All three rushed up the stairs to check on me and see my wounds. Poor Emma wanted only to give me big hugs and lay on top of me. I felt so bad having to push her away. She is too young to understand. Bedtime for her was the worst, I think. She was ok with Pat reading her stories, but once she was in her crib, she kept calling out for me. I went in once and hugged her from outside the crib, but could not pick her up. Pat finally got her down, but she was not happy. Tonight might be even worse.

Today has been somewhat better, but the meds don't seem to be doing much to relieve the pain. I just get foggy and light headed. The doctor has called in a new prescription for me and hopefully, that will be better.

pondering my navel

2010-06-13T21:52:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow morning I will undergo a laparoscopic procedure to remove my gall bladder-through my belly button. I am not looking forward to this procedure, but will be happy to not have to deal with the pain waking me up in the middle of the night.

A few months ago (Palm Sunday, to be exact) I had horrendous stomach pain that hit me on the drive home from a wonderful evening at my parents house. I was up most of the night with the most uncomfortable stomach pain I had ever had before. I couldn't get comfortable, I felt nauseous, but not like I would throw up. I don't often have stomach issues, so it was concerning. At some point in the night, the pain subsided and I fell asleep. The next day there was no pain and things were fine.

Easter Sunday, a week later, at my in laws in Pittsburgh, I felt the same pain, but it was so much worse. I didn't sleep much and it was awful. In the morning I was describing the pain to my Father-in-law and he thought it sounded like my gall bladder. I started Googling and began reading and it seemed to me that he was right.

From that point, I started watching the fat content in the food I was eating and tried to do a little experimentation with my diet. For a while I was OK, but then out of the blue I would have an attach even when I consumed very little fat. I finally got in to the Dr's office and she ordered an ultrasound as well as blood work to determine what in fact was going on.

The only ultrasound's I have ever had, prior to this, was for my babies. Let me tell you, this was no where near as fun! Instead of looking at tiny toes and fluttering heartbeats, I was trying to see if there were stones in my gall bladder. The technician also checked out my pancreas, kidneys, and liver. I did a lot of rolling onto my side and taking deep breaths and holding it while she shoved the device into my ribs. So.Not.Fun! Plus I didn't get any cute little pictures to take home with me.

The result was a chronically inflamed gall bladder with lots of stones that needs to come out. The surgeon agreed with my Dr. and surgery was scheduled.

So, here I sit, waiting to go in at 6:45 tomorrow morning for surgery. Since my diagnosis, I've had a few more attacks, including one on mother's day, and a horrendous one a few weeks ago that I likened to labor pains, just 6 inches higher up in my abdomen. I really don't want surgery, but I also don't want to have this pain anymore.

I'm not too nervous, but I wonder if I should be. It is general anesthesia, and there is always a risk. I made sure I tucked my babies in with lots of hugs and kisses tonight, but I'm sure all will go well.

finally

2010-06-03T21:20:00.005-04:00

When we bought this house 4 years ago, we were a little disappointed to be leaving our brand new fridge behind for all old appliances. It didn't take long for the washer and dryer to die. We replaced them with the larger, more efficient front loaders.

About a year later, we noticed the dishes were coming out of the dishwasher almost as dirty as they went in. We hit the sales at Sears and purchased a stainless steel dishwasher with hidden controls. I loved the look and figured that we would slowly replace all the appliances to match.

In December 2008, I came home to find water on the floor in the kitchen. The 14+ year old fridge was dying. Since we were about to leave for the Christmas holidays, I was rushed to find a replacement ASAP. The last thing I wanted was to come home from a trip to find a fridge of spoiled food and a warped wood floor in the kitchen. So, I found a stainless model that matched pretty well with the dishwasher.

This spring, a few of the burners on the stove finally died and the oven didn't seem to be regulating the temperature well. After a few dozen burnt cookies, we realized we had to bite the bullet again and purchase yet another appliance. Once again, we headed to Sears and I picked out an awesome stove with 5 burners and a warming drawer and convection oven. I had been monitoring prices and managed to get it at the cheapest I've seen before, or since. In order to complete the set, we also purchased the matching micro hood.

I was thrilled to finally have matching appliances for the first time EVER. No more white fridge, black dishwasher and cream stove!

We had the stove installed-you know what with the pesky gas line and everything. But we figured we could handle a microwave! after discovering that the range hood was hardwired into the electrical system and the micro hood required an outlet, we put it on hold. One of Pat's co-workers was solicited to help install the thing, but one thing after another kept getting in the way. I was about to give up hope. The gigantic box sat on the floor of the dining room for 3 months.

Today, after a shitty day dealing with emotional issues, abuse, and thoughts of suicide (not mine, but a student's) I came home to this-

It is so beautiful.

And my husband is so wonderful for getting it done, finally!

busy

2010-05-31T21:26:00.002-04:00

Spring is always so busy. There are soccer practices and soccer games, T-ball practices and T-ball games. School events and swim team registration, choir practice and brownie meetings. It is exhausting. I've meant to post so much in the last month, but never seem to have the time, or energy, to do so.

The school year is winding down, as are many of the girls' activities. This weekend, the holiday gave us the opportunity to take a break from the hustle and bustle and just enjoy the good weather. We spent time with family and went swimming twice this weekend. Both of the big girls had swimming play dates today, and fell into bed exhausted!

Emma is fearless when it comes to the water. She loves it with almost reckless abandon! Last summer she would jump into the water without any care for whether or not there was anyone to catch her. This spring she took lessons and we discovered that with age, she has learned to be somewhat cautious. Now that she remembers how much fun the pool is, she is back to thinking she can swim. She jumps into me without a care, then squirms to get away from me as though she can really swim. She sinks down and has a slight panicked look on her face, but when I pull her back up, she just smiles and wipes her eyes! It truly amazes me how different she is from the other two at the same age.

Clearly, I will not have a relaxing summer ahead of me!

6.10

2010-04-28T08:56:00.007-04:00

I know that I am way behind on an Earth Day post, but when the aha moment hits, you gotta go with it.

In keeping with my running theme of numbers as blog post titles this month, today's is 6.10.

6.10 represents my family's ecological footprint. I took this quiz, and discovered that while I feel like we do a lot for the environment, we still suck. 6.10 means that if everyone on the planet lived like we do, we would need 6.10 earths.

I recycle everything that I can, but I know that I could be reducing the amount of things that come into my house need to be recycled. While I am proud of the fact that my big blue bin (for paper recycling) is full every week, It really shouldn't be. I have tried to cut down on the amount of paper and packaging that comes into house, but it is an ongoing, never achievable task.

After spending years thinking about it, I have finally decided to get a compost bin. I am amazed at how much kitchen scraps I throw away or run down the disposal. It is time I do something about it!

With spring here and my garden ready for planting, I have decided that this will be the year I get a little bit greener. Here are the two bins I've been thinking about:

The Earthmaker composter has a 3 compartment system where I think it will be easier and faster to compost my waste.

The Deluxe Pyramid composter is one big open bin that I think will take forever to fill enough for it to start breaking the waste down for compost. However it is cheaper, but requires more turning of the compost. Decisions, Decisions.

After deliberation with Pat this morning, I think I've decided on the 3 chamber Earthmaker. Now I just have to order it and figure out where to put it in the yard. I have a small back yard with limited flat space, so I am not sure where it will go.

***I haven't ordered it yet, so if anyone has any advice for me, I'd LOVE to hear it!***

six

2010-04-25T21:08:00.007-04:00

Today, my oh-so-middle child turns six.

Evidently, six is a big birthday. Megan has been planning and talking about this birthday for months. We have been told that she does not want a gift from all of us combined, she expects a gift from each person. I am to have pizza, cake and cupcakes (I don't understand that one) and little cups of ice cream for all the guests at her party next weekend. She knows exactly what she wants and will not be happy if it doesn't go her way.

That is most definitely Megan.

Six years ago she came into this world on her own time table...fast as hell! I was admitted at 3am and she was born at 3:45. She has been calling the shots ever since!

My hard drive crashed a few years ago and sadly I don't have all the pictures from her first days. Here's the best I can do:

Megan at 3 months

Megan today, opening her gift

After a birthday dinner at Cheeburger Cheeburger, we came home and she opened her gift. Yes, she did receive a group gift, a DSi that she has been wanting for MONTHS. She was beyond thrilled!

two

2010-04-20T21:28:00.007-04:00

Emma turned two yesterday.

Blowing out the candle on her Carvel ice cream cake.

Must get every last drop

I am not sure where the past two years have gone. I cannot believe that my baby is now two years old. My sweet Emma has turned into an amazing little girl with loads of personality, just like her big sisters. She talks up a storm from the moment she wakes until the moment her head hits the pillow, and sometimes after that! She is exhausting, but I can't imagine life without her.

How did we get
From This

To This

eleven

2010-04-17T14:26:00.004-04:00

Eleven years ago, I married my best friend.

Corny, I know, but true.

Lately, my friends and I have been talking about marriage and relationships a lot. Throughout these conversations, I have come to realize that while my marriage is good, it is not great. I have absolutely no doubt that my husband loves and respects me and I trust him completely. However, I don't think we are running on all the cylinders (is that even the right metaphor?).

We love our children, but they have taken over our lives. We rarely have a conversation that doesn't involve the almost daily activity pick-up/drop-off schedule. We can't have an adult conversation without being interrupted while the kids are awake. By the time they are asleep, we are barely conscious ourselves. I am convinced that we need some time to reconnect as a couple without the kids around.

We keep saying we need to get away for a weekend, or even a night, and dedicate some time to us. Unfortunately, we just keep plodding along never able to steal the time to do so.

By no means is our marriage in trouble, but I really feel that it could be so much better. I am determined to make this coming 12th year of marriage the year where we get a chance to reconnect.

What are we doing to celebrate our anniversary this year, you ask? Absolutely nothing! Pat is working tonight and I will be home alone with the girls. He told me that they Popeye's chicken we had for lunch with the girls after a morning of soccer and t-ball was my anniversary meal. Clearly, we need to dedicate some time to getting the romance back!

Signal 13

2010-04-09T10:14:00.010-04:00

Early Easter Sunday morning, Hector Ayala was killed in a one car collision as he rushed to the aid of a Signal 13. A fellow officer who was responding to a fight call at a nearby restaurant needed assistance and called for a "Signal 13"-the police code for an officer in trouble. When this code goes out, all officers know that one of their brothers may be in a life or death situation and all effort is made to render assistance quickly.

Officer Ayala lost his life trying to save another. From what I have heard, this was par for the course for this amazing man. He touched so many lives in his short seven-year tenure as a Montgomery County Police Officer, including saving the life of a man attempting to commit suicide at the Glenmont Metro Station. He worked the midnight shift, but often came out on his off time to help translate Spanish for fellow officers. He was devoted to his wife and 15 month old son; coworkers described how happy he was to learn that he and his wife were expecting triplets this June.

As the wife of a police officer, this is hard to process.

As long as I have known Pat, I have had to struggle with the idea of him being put in harm's way; when we met he was already attending the police academy. Of course, I had no idea that early on that I would become his wife. I had no real idea what that would mean.

While we were dating and definitely after we got engaged, people would often ask me if I were scared for him, or I ever worried when he worked? They were difficult questions to answer. I would answer of yes, I worried, but I couldn't let it consume me. But, I didn't find myself worrying as often as other people seemed to think I should. I hadn't really be faced with anything that had caused me to worry too much, I guess I was in denial.

A few months into our marriage, I received a phone call from Pat's Sergeant that brought it all home to me. He called to tell me that Pat was on his way home and to "not freak out if he was covered in blood-he was ok." WHAT!?! How do you not freak out to that? A signal 13 had been called for a County officer responding to a domestic situation. While it was out of Pat's jurisdiction, he was one of the first on the scene. When Pat arrived home, he was NOT covered in blood, but did have some on his shoes. He filled me in on what happened and it felt good to know the whole story. That was the first time I remember being faced with the fact that at any time he could be that fallen officer.

Since then, there have been a few more local police deaths, including a young man that Pat attended the Police Academy with. Each one tugs at my heart and reminds me how quickly things could change.

As a police wife, I have learned that there are two types of police marriages. One in which the officer talks to his spouse about his or her day and gives them a glimpse into what they go through. The other, where there is a clear and distinct separation of work and home life. Mine is the former, more rare type of marriage. Many officers believe because it would make it too scary for those at home and would bring the stress of their job into their home. I believe to the contrary.

Maybe it is because I am a counselor by profession, or maybe it is just because of who we are as people and the mutual trust and respect we have for each other, but Pat and I couldn't imagine our marriage without full disclosure. Especially now that he is in a management role, Pat often runs situations past me and we bounce ideas back and forth. He recommends to his officers to keep their spouses informed to relieve the stress of the job. Unfortunately, not a whole lot of them follow his advice. I am a firm believer that ignorance breeds fear; if we have no idea what is going on, we build up an amazing fear of what could be going on instead of what is really happening. I am sure, Pat keeps some things to himself, and that is fine. But hearing about the types of calls he goes on and the way he handles situations, helps me to know the type of officer he is and that he has the skills to keep himself and those around him safe.

Thankfully, when he reached the rank of Sergeant, the amount of actual street time decreased. Now that he is a Lieutenant, it is even less. However, there is always that fear and concern in the back of my mind (and his) that keeps us on our toes. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't offer up a silent prayer for his (and his brothers in blue) safety.

My heart goes out to the Ayala family and especially his wife. Thank God for the kindness of legislators and strangers that there is financial help for the families of officers who die in the line of duty. Both the Federal and State governments have set up compensation for the families and COPS (Concerns of Police Survivors)does a wonderful job of providing many services to the family. There is also a fund set up by the Fraternal Order of Police Lodge 35 to aid the family.

In Memoriam:

Officer Hector Ayala

Badge Number 2128

End of Watch 4/4/2010

Crazy B*tch

2010-03-30T21:23:00.006-04:00

I have been so busy lately, I just haven't had a chance to get on and blog about things. Not sure if that really matters to anyone but me, though. However, I had one of those holy-shit-what-did-I-just-do moments last week that I need to write about.

In preparation for leading Sarah's Brownie meeting last Friday, I had to go to Home Depot and pick up some gardening supplies. On Wednesday my after care plans had fallen through, so I rushed out of work to get the girls from school. Knowing that I had a good hour to kill before picking up the little one, I figured that would be the perfect time to get my shopping done.

Of course, I was running late and worried the girls would panic when I wasn't at the school right at dismissal. Thankfully, they weren't the last kids picked up, but they were not pleased that we were taking a detour before heading home. Megan just about melted down over the fact that she wasn't getting a snack right away.

We got to Home Depot and it finally clicked with Megan that we really weren't going home right after school. In an effort to preempt a tantrum, I offered to buy her a snack at the checkout. While Sarah and I picked out what seeds the troop would plant, Megan played on the tractors. We had a few more items to pick up and Megan was about to lose it. We finally get to the check out and there are no snacks, Megan is fit to be tied. We walk outside and I tell them if the snack truck were outside I would have bought them something. Sarah looks around and realizes that the truck was parked way off to the side of the other entrance. The girls run ahead and after quite a bit of deliberation, they finally choose their snacks.

We get to the car and Sarah starts complaining that Megan's pretzel is bigger than her bag of sun chips and that I ate some of her chips and it wasn't fair. Somehow it was all my fault. At this point, I'm trying to drive through the parking lot without losing it, but the constant bickering is killing me. I finally pull over to yell at them and I pull up right on a gentleman getting out of his car. He says to me, "Hey lady, you almost hit me." In my total rage at my kids, I break from my usually calm self and yell back, "whatever, I saw you." Pissed off that he was arguing me and keeping me from unleashing on the kids, my patience melted away and a side of myself that I had never released in public came out. I actually told someone (who was totally innocent) to "screw you"...in front of my kids. I became that crazy parking lot lady that everyone has a story about. I am totally embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I guarantee that man was walking away muttering to himself, "crazy bitch".

99 Things I ought to have done

2010-02-27T21:07:00.004-05:00

Found this on a friend's blog, and thought I'd share mine.

Instructions:
Copy the list, bold the ones you've done (with explanations if needed), share with friends.
1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band (does a school band count?)
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a thunder and lightning storm (nothing beats a summer storm!)
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community (Lancaster county, Pennsylvania)
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt (I was a child on a trip visiting family in Montana, but won't ever forget it)
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling (snorkeling in the Bahama's on a trip with a girlfriend)
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching (had the chance to when I went to a conference on Cape Cod, but was the typical "good girl" and didn't play hooky with the others--should have!)
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma (can't anymore due to some weird results 2o years ago)
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check (not proud of this one. Total accident- bank read one of my checks written for $200 as $700 and it messed everything up!)
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy (it's still at my mom's- Sorry Mom!)
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job (It was a temp job. I took a day off to take my brother to get his wisdom teeth out. I thought they told me they would call me when I had another job assigned. They thought I would return to the site I was at before I took the day off-they told me not to come back when I didn't show up)
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House (as a child, my girl scout troop went down to see the trees decorated inside. I don't remember much of it)
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby (times 3)
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Wow, I've only done 34 of these things. Clearly, I haven't done enough

back to the grind

2010-02-16T15:23:00.003-05:00

Today was the first day back to school since the snowmageddon of 2010. We had a delayed opening which made the day even more disjointed than normal.

I left the house with plenty of time to get to work early this morning. Of course, "the best laid plans..." and all that jazz. It ended up taking twice as long to get in to work than usual. Traffic was gnarled by snow plows and front end loaders removing snow, people walking in the streets because the sidewalks hadn't been shoveled, and poor timing of a 2 hour delay for schools and the federal government. AND THE POT HOLES. Holy cow, the potholes. I think I saw one the size of Delaware!

After arriving to the parking lot 10 minutes after I should have already been in my office, I was blocked from parking in my usual place, by what else, a snow plow and front end loader clearing snow from the staff parking lot....while students and staff are arriving. I had to fight for a parking space in the staff lot that is usually not crowded. Someone should have been checking for parking permits today. I finally found a spot at the back of the lot. I think I have to walk a half a mile to my car this afternoon. So stupid!

I really wish the county would get out and actually ticket the people who haven't shoveled the sidewalks. So many kids were walking along the side of major roads in order to get to school this morning. I am amazed that no one got injured (so far). It is absolutely crazy!

As insane as my commute to work was this morning, it felt so good to get here and do SOMETHING. 10 days home with your kids and not much to do is painful! I love them, but there is only so many craft projects you can do!

reflections on a life lost

2010-02-09T15:47:00.010-05:00

If you haven't heard, the DC area got hit with a ridiculous amount of snow this past weekend. During my time "off the grid" I thought about a lot of things, one of which was this post. It has been rattling around in my head since about last Wednesday or so and I am just now getting the opportunity to put fingers to keyboard to get it written.

I love my job as a high school counselor. I enjoy being able to work with kids and make a difference in their lives. There are few perks to the job (yes, I know, I get holidays and SOME time in the summer off- I do have to work 4 weeks in the summer beyond what a teacher has to do), but really the only real rewards of the job are knowing you've helped someone. there is the occasional note from a parent or student to say thank you, but that is about it.

However, last week was one in which the exact opposite happened. I told a colleague of mine on Tuesday, that it was just these occasions that make me wish I had a job where I didn't have to worry about the mental health and well being of anyone other than myself. Sometimes, the responsibility is too great, the depth of a mental illness too deep, and the ability to help becomes futile.

On Monday, February 1st I received a phone call that I will never forget. The head of my department called to let me know that there had been a crisis involving one of my students. My mind raced to a few different students who I knew were troubled, one of which had just been in my office the week prior in crisis, threatening to hurt herself. When I heard his name mentioned instead, I almost collapsed. It was all I could do to hold it together until the end of the phone call. Pat knew there was something wrong, as the call itself is unusual, but he heard the tremor in my voice. He walked out to the kitchen where I was on the phone, ending the call. As soon as I hung up, I leaned on the island with my head down and sobbed. I sobbed like I had lost one of my own family members. One of my seniors that I had been working closely with had committed suicide. Emma thought I was laughing and began to laugh along, until Pat told her I was sad. He told the girls I needed to be left alone and the big girls listened, Emma followed me into the dark living room, crawled up into my lap and just hugged me. How on earth she knew what I needed, I don't know, but it surely helped.

This is the second time I have received a call about the death of a student in a little over a year. I can't exactly put words to my feelings, but this one is different. It completely shook me to my core. When T. died in November of 2008, it was a tragic and random act of violence. In this case, P. decided, with thought and determination, to end his own life. I can't but think of all those left behind in the wake of this horrible event. So many of us asking why and what if.

Everyone was in shock that next day. As I drove into work, I was preparing myself for a stressful day of grief counseling. Of wounds opened and re-opened with the news of another classmate dead. I was prepared, I kept telling myself I needed to hold it together for the kids.

My strength lasted all of 2 minutes. As soon as I entered the building, I started tearing up. By the time I reached my office and saw the beginnings of the crisis team setting plans in motion, I lost it. I remember my vice-principal coming in and talking to me about the plan to follow P's schedule and talk to his classmates. I hadn't even taken my coat off and I looked at him through teary eyes and he said to me, "Oh, I guess you were close with him." Yes, I worked closely with him.

I then realized, there was no way I should be talking to already emotionally fragile teenagers. The contagious crying would never end. At that moment, as my wonderful co-workers came in to see me in a steady stream, the counselor became the counseled.

Over the course of the day, the pieces of the puzzle began to fall into place. P was an incredibly bright young man who, a year ago, had such great promise. He was a gifted writer who often used his talents to write lyrics for the band he formed with friends. He was a great football player and enjoyed his time on the Varsity team since his freshman year. A broken ankle sidelined him during his junior year, in a rush to get back on the gridiron he permanently damaged his ankle. I believe that this was the beginning of the end for him. He lost his identity and from this point forward, he continued to search to find another way to find his "place" in this world. The band was one way, but it seems it wasn't enough.

Last spring, I began to see P's grades suffer. I was concerned, but not majorly. We met, we talked about it, and he knew what he needed to do to get back on track. This fall, his grades continued to drop and he was often in my office. He would come in to see me, knowing full well what I was going to say and what he "needed" to do. He flashed his big, bright winning smile, and would leave telling me exactly what I wanted to hear. There were flashes of serious problems early in the year. Child Protective Services came to meet with him based on a call they received about him having been kicked out of his house by his mother. Through the whole interview, P was evasive and denied that there was a problem, but in such a way that I was sure there was some truth to the matter. He would bob and weave and you never felt like you were getting a straight answer out of him. That is how many of my conversations went with him.

There had been such a dramatic change in P, that I was concerned that something major was going on with him. We had a conference with his mother and his teachers and everyone voiced their concerns. There wasn't a single teacher in my office that day that didn't truly feel as though there was something amiss with this young man. We so strongly wanted to see him get his life and grades back on track. At the same time, I was beginning to get word from my colleagues that indicated there may have been more going on. His friend's parents had contacted another counselor in my department concerned that P was talking to himself and was declaring himself the son of a king and proclaiming that he was destined for greatness. Another counselor mentioned to me that one of his students felt as though P was stalking her. He had expressed feelings for her that she could not reciprocate, and he took it hard. He was calling her often and was found sitting on her front porch one night.

I spoke to P's mother about my concerns and she had expressed that she was having difficulty at home, but seemed reluctant to pursue anything. I was concerned that there were serious mental health issues that sounded suspiciously like schizophrenia. P's mother did ask me to send home numbers for counseling resources but I also encouraged her to contact his Physician for a direct referral that would work with her insurance.

As the second quarter wore on, the grades were not improving. P seem in denial that there was a problem and refused to let me move him out of his AP English class. He was convinced that he could pass his classes and earn his way to a half-day schedule for second semester (something he really wanted and that his mother said he could have, if he could pass his classes for 1st semester). Around Thanksgiving, his mother asked me to make changes to his schedule to place him in an on-level English class, so he might be able to pass it. It was way too late in the semester to make the change, so we had to wait to make the change until second semester.

Through out all of this, his teachers never stopped communicating to me (and P, as well as his mother and sister) their concerns about his grades and dramatic lack of enthusiasm for school. I met with P regularly and he always left my office with that trademark smile.

During exam week, P. came to me to adjust his schedule for the next semester. He knew he failed English 12A and would need to retake it after school in order to graduate. He seemed to have a different aura about him, as if he had made his peace with his grades and determined to do whatever it takes to get to graduation. I thought we had turned a corner. Just a few days later, I spoke to his music teacher and she expressed that he was not doing anything in class and just kept his head down. I made it a point to write myself a note to see him when all the start-of second-semester hubbub died down. He had also just submitted an application to a local college and I needed to go over a few things with him before I could write my letter of recommendation.

I never got to meet with P. The sticky note with his name on it still hangs off of my monitor. All I could do that horrible day last week is think, what if I had seen him, what if I had noticed something, what if I could have reached him, what if...? I suspected mental health issues, but I never saw him as a suicide risk.

As a counselor, I know that I worked hard to help P, I did what I could with the information I had, but I still couldn't help thinking that there was something more I could have/should have done.

When I met with P's mother that day, I know she was looking to me for answers. Part of me was angry with her for not getting him help, for not being able to look past the cultural stigma of her upbringing to see that he needed help. But all of me was mourning with her, I could see her genuine pain and that her tears, as she clung to me during our embrace, were real; a mother, lost in her grief.

disappointment

2010-01-29T07:42:00.004-05:00

On Wednesday, we had out eagerly anticipated follow up doctors appointment with the orthopaedist for Sarah's broken clavicle. While we knew it had only been 4 weeks we were hoping to hear good news. In the last week or so, Sarah has not been in any pain and has discovered that she can go without her sling for periods of time. AND she has been able to bathe herself-oh happy day! I knew that we probably would be given the go ahead for sports right away, but I wasn't expecting for her to be sidelined for another month!

They took new x-rays and compared them side-by-side. The doctor was very pleased and she is healing quickly, "laying down new bone nicely" is what he said. However, he has not given her clearance for basketball or PE just yet. He said swimming could start in 2 weeks.

I cannot tell you how devastated Sarah is. By nature, she is an athletic and social child. This is her first time playing basketball and was loving it. She hadn't even played in a game yet. One of her best girlfriends is on the team with her and not being able to participate is killing her. Thankfully, if given the clearance in 4 weeks, she will still be able to play in a few games. When I broke all this to her Wednesday afternoon, she was in tears. My moody child, of course, proceeded to take it out on everyone. Evidently, the fact that she even broke her collarbone is our (her parent's) fault because we decided to go to visit family over the holidays (family that, by the way, she loves and would have been pissed as hell if we hadn't gone). It has nothing to do with the fact that she was running around chasing her cousins and acting like a fool. Nor does it have anything to do with the fact that she was jumping off the stairs that I had already told her not to do!

While this whole situation has been a total pain in the ass, I am so thankful that it wasn't anything more serious.

holding steady

2010-01-27T18:14:00.003-05:00

I haven't lost an ounce since last week. I guess I should be happy though, I didn't gain one either.

Actually, that is wrong. I lost and gained and lost again. Something very weird happened Sunday into Monday. On Sunday, I was down a half a lb from last week. When I woke up on Monday, I was actually up 3lbs. How does one gain 3lbs over night?! Quite strange. Thankfully, by this morning I was back down to where I was a week ago. I've hit the gym 3 times this week and thought I was being good. I guess I will have to start counting points again!

Happiness Project: Boost your Energy

2010-01-25T20:53:00.003-05:00

This week on the Happiness Project, MiniVanMom asks us to look at ways to boost our energy. According to Gretchen Rubin, "research shows being happy energizes you, and at the same time, having more energy makes it easier for you to engage in activities - like socializing and exercise - that boost happiness. Studies also show that when you feel energetic, your self-esteem rises". The five steps Rubin used to boost her energy are:

Go to sleep earlier
Exercise better
Toss, restore, organize
Tackle a nagging task
Act more energetic

I don't know anyone who gets enough sleep, certainly not any mother! My day begins when the alarm goes off at 4:55, every school day (unfortunately, this means that sleeping in on the weekends is now 7:15). I really don't know how I can get anymore sleep. I feel as though I am going to bed at a reasonable hour (usually 10ish). Instead of more sleep, I would kill for some recharging time!

I have started to get back on the exercise bandwagon and it feels good. I love the boost that it does give me. The problem is finding the time to actually do it. I can't get up any earlier, and I don't want to workout after dinner. With kids activities, I just don't always have the time. My plan is to make it more of a priority now.

Cleaning house and getting things in order is definitely energizing and contagious. I love the feeling of having things in their place. My real problem is that I don't do it on a regular basis. While my house is clean, it is not always tidy. I am probably a little too laid back on the occasional pile of mail, or pair of shoes cast aside. I've got three kids, the youngest of which is just 21 months. I feel like I am constantly picking up crap and putting it back where it belongs.
I know there are people out there whose homes always look neat and tidy, I wish I was one of those people, I just don't have the energy to do it. There are times when I panic, what if someone just dropped by? Maybe I'm too concerned at what other people would think of me...or maybe I should find the time to tidy on a regular basis. Don't get me wrong, my house doesn't look like a bomb went off, just not perfect.

I have too many nagging tasks to even focus in on one. lets review that nagging "to do list"
At least I've gotten the painting/lights/and carpet done.

Act more energetic- I guess that's like acting happy. That is a tough one. I don't know if I have enough energy to feign energy. but, I resolve to stop dwelling on being tired. I have a horrible habit of responding to the question, "how are you?" with "tired". Even if I'm lying, I am going to find a way to respond differently.

I think once I start "acting energetic" and get on a better exercise routine, the energy will come...my very own Field of Dreams.

Back on the wagon

2010-01-20T17:03:00.004-05:00

After a two week battle with the cold from hell, I am back on the shrinking bandwagon! I have barely lost anything (.4lbs to be exact), but you gotta start somewhere, right!

I've started back to the gym this past weekend, and promptly overdid it! My legs and hips were so sore from running on the treadmill, I had to take a day off! Of course, my plans to hit the gym today were derailed by a student in my office with a serious crisis. Her mother couldn't get to pick her up from my office until 3:30, so my plans to workout from 3-4 were shot. However, I am resolved to go tomorrow. Once the kids are done with their homework, I may try to run on our treadmill in the basement. However, that requires relying on the older two to play with their baby sister for 20 minutes. They way they are fighting today, it may not be possible. How many calories do I burn every time they raise my blood pressure? That's got to count for something, right?

Here's to a better week!

Am I happy?

2010-01-12T19:00:00.003-05:00

Last week I wrote about the Happiness Project. A blogger I have been reading for a while now decided to lead a few of us down a journey exploring happiness and what it means for us. The assignment this week is to answer three questions:

Why are you doing this project?
What is your history in trying to be more happy?
What does happiness look like for you?

I'm not sure what happiness looks like for me, completely. I have a great marriage, 3 beautiful and healthy girls, a job that challenges me, a great home and wonderful family nearby. When I think of other people I know who have more difficult life circumstances, I am happy that my life seems so good. Then, of course, there is always the flip side.

When I look at the big picture, I think I'm happy. Do I feel happy on a daily basis? Not very often. I know for a fact that even though I am considered by many friends to be very patient, I actually lose it quite often with my kids. I hate the constant strife there is at home. I hate the yelling and subsequent tears that are inevitable on an almost daily basis. I hate that I don't have the time to just BE with my kids and give them the individual attention they need. I want to be able to do things with them, but am often "too busy" with checking homework, cleaning, laundry, cooking, paying bills, etc. I hate how stressed I get knowing that some aspect of my life is always getting the short end of the stick, and too often, it is my kids.

This project is not about focusing on what I hate, however, so I need to figure out what happy would look like to me. I know that happiness has got to have less stress and more me time. What has worked for me in the past has been to be able to find just a little bit of time to recharge my own batteries so that I can be a better mom to my kids. You know what they say...happy mommy, happy family. Or maybe they don't say that, but I certainly will!

weigh in wednesday

2010-01-06T09:07:00.003-05:00

Why is it that every time I try to make a positive change I get slammed with something that de-rails me. Ok, maybe it's not every time, but it certainly feels like it.

This week was supposed to be the week I started back to the gym (or at least the Wii Fit, or treadmill). However, I wake up Monday with that tell tale twing in the back of my throat. I spend Monday afternoon at the MVA trying to renew my drivers license (more about that another time) and was unable to hit the gym after work. Tuesday, I really start feeling like crap and today is even worse. What the hell body? You just had 2 weeks off of work (granted they weren't stress free). But seriously, my body got a break and I still got sick! UUGGHH!

Of course, there are still goodies from the holidays in the house and my dear husband has been in charge of meals the last 3 nights. (take out Chinese, creamy chicken casserole, and then a creamy bake-yourself pasta dish from Costco) Not the best for dieting. While I am glad I did not have to be responsible for meal prep, it did nothing for my weigh-in this week. Being sick hasn't helped either. I think my body has retained every ounce of liquid I have ingested the past few days just so it can use it to clog up my sinus cavities!

Suffice it to say, the first weigh-in Wednesday of the new year and I'm up a pound. Totally NOT how I wanted to start the year. Hopefully, I'll kick this cold (with sore throat, cough and headache) soon, so I can get moving!

Happiness Project

2010-01-04T21:36:00.004-05:00

I've decided to participate in a Happiness Project started by Minivan Mom (one of my absolute favorite reads). The first challenge she created for us is to come up with 1o reasons why we love where we live. Here goes:

10 Reasons Why I Love Living in Olney, MD

10. The house itself When we were looking to move, we decided that we needed a house that was just a smidge bigger than what we had with an extra bedroom. We wanted a house that you could walk out to the back yard. We needed a 2 car garage and would love for it to be on a family friendly street. when I saw this house online, I knew it was the perfect house. We actually only looked at about 2 other houses and none seriously...this house was perfect.

9. The neighborhood We live on a cul-de-sac with very little traffic and great neighbors who will invite us over for blizzard parties, play dates and have awesome block parties.

8. Living close to family When we moved, we only moved about 10 miles from our previous house, but that also made us 10 miles closer to my parents (who are only 10 miles away now), and only .7 miles away from one of Pat's older brother's and his family. Our kids all go to the same school and they get to see each other often. plus we get to swap babysitting.

7. off the beaten path Our previous neighborhood was just off a major commuting route through Montgomery & Howard Counties and went straight to DC. While it got us to places easily, it was often traffic laden and noisy. Now, the town we live in is no where near any major city or large commuter routes. Now, there are roads we can take to get us places, but we are not in such an urban-like environment.

6. more suburban we are more suburban than we were, but not so cookie cutter and Stepford Wives like. There is a horse farm across the street from the kids elementary school, but we are by no means in the country. It is a good mix.

5. No beltway tie-ups I never have to get on the highway on any of my weekly/daily errands. I love not having to traverse the DC Beltway. The more time I can stay off that death trap, the better.

4. sidewalks There are sidewalks on every street, at least in my part of town. makes walking with the kids so much easier.

3. small town feel It never fails, I can always see someone I know at the grocery store, Starbucks, the gym. there is a general feeling that everyone knows everyone. I remember going out to dinner before we even thought to move here and we felt out of place because so many people at the restaurant were stopping at tables to talk to other patrons. It was nice to see and a definite change from the "don't look at me" feeling you often get.

2. Access We are not too far from cultural centers and activities in DC and Baltimore.

1. no big box stores around This one can also be a hate, but what I have found is that when you live close to a target/walmart there are a lot of people that flock to your general area-increasing traffic, crime, etc. I love that there is no major reason to bring hoards of people to town other than the locals...it keeps things nice and calm. We do have everything else you would need (3 grocery stores, library, post office, different places of worship, liqueur store, restaurants, 2 Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts, and a gym).

In short, I don't think I could ever regret our decision to move to Olney. It cost quite a bit to buy our house, but it will always be worth it. Our kids are in a better environment, making great friends, going to a great school and are happy. Totally worth it.

Motivation Monday

2010-01-04T09:28:00.005-05:00

Motivation is one thing I don't think I am lacking. My issue is follow through! I don't ever seem to have a problem getting motivated to lose weight, but it is actually following through with the plan I've decided upon.

To be honest, I guess motivation does play a role in the whole follow-through thing. If I were truly motivated, I'd be able to stick to my diet/workout plan, right?

I know, I know.

What I do know for sure is that I love how it feels when I step on the scale and see a loss. I love the feeling I get when I work out and get all sweaty.

I hated what I saw on the scale this morning and am determined to find a way to make it look better.

My motivation this challenge...to keep that great feeling going all the way to meeting my goals.

why won't they leaveme alone

2010-01-02T17:13:00.003-05:00

Day 15

It has been 15 days straight that I have been with my children 24 hours a day. I do love them (this has been my mantra for the last 12 days), but they are driving me insane...quite literally.

This "vacation" began with a 23inch snow storm on Dec 19th and we had to deal with no school for 3 days after the snow. I was unable to properly finish my holiday shopping and wrapping and definitely resented having them home with me.

The big girls fight almost non-stop. I have tried every parenting trick I know to get them to stop and nothing has worked. Save for Christmas day, when they actually didn't fight, there has been yelling and screaming and crying and punching and biting (yes, the 8-almost 9- year old has bitten her 5 year old sister at least twice) every single day.

On top of this is the always demanding and tempermental toddler.

Honestly, I am about to lose it.

I threatened the oldest that I was about to leave, get in the car, and drive far far away.

Didn't seem to phase her one bit. My lucky husband gets to leave and go to work. He admitted he didn't want to change places with me.

They are winning...

The annual non-resolution list

2010-01-01T10:21:00.004-05:00

Every year, I spend some time on our drive back from visiting the in-laws writing a to-do list for the next year. I don't like to use the term "New Years Resolution", so I usually just stick to my to-do list.

Well, this year I was a little side tracked by Sarah's clavicle injury and never made my list. Instead, I have the following goals for this year:

Become more patient with my children (including the almost 40 yr old one)
Find more time for me
Cultivate my social circle (kind of goes with #2)
Continue down the path toward healthy living (I am afraid if I put an actual number to the pounds I would like to lose, I will be destined to fail. I am starting 2010 about 10lbs lighter than 2009, so I think it is safe to assume I can at least lose another 10, if not more)
Work on my organization
Pay down credit cards

Definitely not an earth shattering list of goals for the year, but things I absolutely need to do. Time is an issue in my life and I really need to get creative on how I find the hidden minutes here and there.

Happy New Year!

its always something

2009-12-31T16:05:00.010-05:00

Christmas was wonderful. Lots of presents and good cheer and an actual 24 hour period without a fight between my two oldest girls. Who could ask for more?

The day after Christmas, we hit the road for Pittsburgh to visit Pat's side of the family for Christmas #2. An annual tradition while we are up there, is a family reunion of sorts, that Pat's cousin Dee started years ago. Usually she hosts any where from 25-30 family members at her home about 30 minutes outside of Pittsburgh (these are the same folks we went to the Outer Banks with this past summer). This year, her brother Dennis hosted the party since Dee's home is under some minor renovation.

We were really looking forward to this visit for a few reasons, 1- we have never been to Dennis' house and were anxious to see it. and 2- Dennis lives in the town where Pat went to college, Indiana University of Pennsylvania (IUP) in Indiana, PA. Sarah was so excited to see where Pat went to school. Unfortunately, the college was all shut for the winter break but we were able to drive around and check everything out. Pat and his brother Brian, reminisced and tried to recall where certain buildings from their past were. We heard lots of stories, it was fun.

The Steeler game was on, and ALL the cousins (there were a total of 14 1st and 2nd cousins ages 20 months to 2o years) were having a ball running around. Sarah, of course, was in the middle of the fray. The 4th quarter of the Steeler/Ravens game was on and it was a close game (I think it was tied up at this point). All of a sudden, Sarah comes bounding down the stairs and jumps off from about the 4th step up (she'd done this a few times already despite my telling her not to). she let out a yelp and hit the floor with a tremendous force, right on her tailbone. She shot back up off the floor, yelped again and flopped down on to her right side and rolls on her back. She immediately called for help saying she couldn't breathe. All of us in the room knew what it felt like to have the wind knocked out of you so there was no sense of urgency, we just needed to get her to calm down and breathe. Pat got to her before I did, and tried to get her to relax and take small breaths. It seemed to be taking a lot longer than it should for her to catch her breath. I got up to take a look and her face was bright red, except for around her mouth. She had a panicked look about her and I began to worry. My sister in law Shannon, a nurse, came over and did a quick once over. Sarah could move her legs but was complaining about her back and not being able to breathe. She could squeeze our hand and bend her left elbow, but could not move it from the shoulder. When Shannon moved aside the collar of Sarah's shirt, it was immediately evident what the problem was. There was definite bruising and swelling near her left clavicle. Without saying a word, Pat and I looked at each other and knew we were headed to the ER. He scooped her up and carried her to the car and we drove the short 3-4 miles to the Indiana Regional Medical Center.

We were seen fairly quickly and Sarah was pleased that her father chose to sit with her and wait, rather than go watch the end of the Steeler's game on the TV in the waiting room. We were brought back to our room and were soon surprised by my brother-in-law, Brian and his middle child, Colin. Sarah and Colin are like brother and sister, in that they can fight like cats and dogs, but get along really well too. Evidently, Colin was so worried about his cousin, that he asked Brian to take him to see her. They helped us pass the time while we waited for the results of the x-rays. They giggled with us as Sarah's pain medication kicked in and she was laughing at every silly thing Colin did.

We received the diagnosis of a broken clavicle and possible fractured scapula, given a sling and brace, 6 doses of happy juice and sent on our way. We arrived back at the party just 2.5 hours after we had left. Not too bad! Unfortunately, while we were gone, all the yummy food had been packed up and put away. Pat helped himself to a few Black and Tans, and I had a couple of cups of coffee & we headed back to Pittsburgh with a miserable little girl.

Sarah after the trip to the ER:

After a difficult night of sleep, Sarah was still feeling miserable. Once the happy juice (Lortab/Vicodin) kicked in, she was much better. I had to run out and fill her prescription as well as find some button down shirts that she could kind-of wear, despite the injury. I headed to CVS first, since their parent company runs my prescription plan. I gave them all the important info and just before I turned to leave, I asked "you do have the medication in stock right?" She hesitated and then decided to ask. Thank goodness I asked, because "NO, They were out of it" and "do you want us to check at another pharmacy for you". YES! The girl had to call to 2 other pharmacies before she found it in the right strength! Did I mention that it was snowing out? AND I'm in an unfamiliar area and have no idea where I'm going?

As I'm fuming about the whole prescription issue, I'm texting the situation to Pat as I'm walking out of the store. Stupid-ass me forgets that it is snowing and 22 degrees outside and I totally fall on my ass the minute I step out of the store. To make matters worse, I drop my phone and some young (college-aged) couple behind me say, "Ma'am are you ok?" I brush myself off and mutter something dumb about looking where I'm going, and try to look as if I didn't just bust my ass in the CVS parking lot. My ass hurts, but my ego hurts worse...Did he just call me "ma'am"? Am I really a "ma'am" now?!?!

Well, both Sarah and I survived our traumatic experiences. Thanks to some wonderful friends with connections at an Orthopaedic office, we got in to see the specialist yesterday and there really is no treatment, other than the sling and time. She should heal fast and be back to new within 6 weeks. We'll get new x-rays in 4 weeks, but for now, we just continue to do what we are doing. She is not pleased to be missing swimming and basketball, but there isn't a whole lot we can do about that.

I guess I was too quick to say we had a wonderful Christmas. But hey, it could have been a hell of a lot worse.

Holiday update

2009-12-25T21:47:00.002-05:00

This holiday season seemed to really sneak up on me. It seems that Christmas comes faster and faster every year. My shopping was not finished until Christmas Eve and my Christmas cards were finally mailed on the 23rd, but we did manage to finish things up just in the nick of time. Unfortunately, what really derailed me this year was the surprise snow storm last weekend.

I guess I can't really call it a surprise when all the news forecasts clearly called for snow. However, I had no clue it was coming until the day before it was scheduled. Snow is not out of the ordinary in the metro DC area, but a raging blizzard in December is. What started out as a forecast of probably 5-8 inches, became 8-12 and then 12-15 and then 18+. When all was said and done, it was 23 inches in my neck of the woods.

The kids loved it, but I knew it meant days and days of clean up. We shoveled twice during the day on Saturday, while it was snowing. I first went out around 10 am and there were probably 10 inches on the ground. By the time I finished, there were another 1.5-2 inches down again.

The girls had a great time, but the snow on Saturday led to schools being closed for Monday, then Tuesday, and then finally Wednesday. Great! I'm always up for a snow day. But, we now have used up 3 of our 4 allotted days off AND I was stuck with my kids for 5 whole days!!! I love em, but their fighting was driving me crazy!

Those days with the kids prevented me from finishing shopping, and wrapping gifts. I did manage to get some baking done...the last thing my waistline needed!

All the preparation that did, or didn't, get done no longer matters. The day is done and the kids were thrilled. Emma didn't know what to make of it all, but enjoyed playing with the toys that "Dinty Claus" brought. Sarah claimed that Band Hero and her Zhu Zhu pet were her favorite gifts. Megan loves her Pillow Pal, Zhu Zhu pet, and her Crayon Maker. I was thrilled to get a lovely cashmere scarf and some handmade gifts from the girls.

The BEST present of all...not a single fight all day long!

Gross

2009-12-14T10:36:00.004-05:00

Did you know that warts come from a virus? Did you know that little kids can get them? Did you know they were painful?

I had absolutely no clue about any of that. Once again, parenting fail!

Sarah, my oldest, has had a boo boo on her pinkie toe for quite sometime. At the beginning, it looked as if she had scraped it right on the tip-as if she had stubbed it on cement. She often runs around outside without shoes on or is just wearing flip flops and the weather was still warm when we noticed it, so I thought nothing of it. It never seemed to heal and I just figured she was re-injuring it.

Well, on Thanksgiving, she tells me she has a black spot on her other foot. Off comes the shoes and socks and between my parent, my husband and I we deduce that both are warts. Nasty, disgusting, contagious warts. The toe wart has worsened and actually looks like a few warts clustered together and that they are under the toenail. Gross.

I had no idea that all warts are contagious. This girl has been showering in MY shower for years! Ewwww. Being that she is 8, we figured a round of compound W might not be the best solution and I made a call to the pediatrician. Pat adjusted his schedule to take her the next Friday for the appointment. The doctor barely even saw her before she declared that it was a job for a podiatrist. Don't get me started on the wasted appointment- they could have told me that on the phone when I made the appointment and I could have saved us a trip! Thankfully, the office didn't charge us a co-pay.

This past Friday, Pat to Sarah to his podiatrist. (They had a dual appointment so that he could get an ingrown toenail dealt with at the same time.) Well, the doctor whipped out some razor-like tool and got down to scraping away at the warts. Poor Sarah had no anesthesia, but evidently the doctor was pretty skilled and didn't cause her much discomfort. She came home with some distinct holes in her pinkie toe. The instructions were to get a freeze-away wart kit and NOT to use Compound-W. She is also supposed to wear shower shoes at the indoor pool. Gross.

Last night we broke out the wart remover kit. We are pretty sure that the first wart we tried to "freeze" didn't take. When we did the second wart and it turned the skin white and caused Sarah some discomfort (pain) we realized the first, that just tickled, probably didn't work. Tonight we are supposed to add the liquid remover. I'm not sure what we do if none of this works.

Things Pat learned about warts:

Each little tiny black dot is a wart. The roots of the wart are attached to the dot and are trying to get into the blood stream. When they do, the warts can pop up anywhere. Gross. All warts are viral and are contagious, but not everyone is susceptible to them (since I have never had one, I consider myself immune-same goes for poison ivy too).

Warts are gross (but we aren't supposed to say that to Sarah).

The end

2009-12-08T15:00:00.000-05:00

[Disclaimer: I am truly a breastfeeding advocate, but do realize that it is not ideal for everyone. I pass no judgement on those who chose not to, or could not breastfeed. This is just my experience. One for which I am grateful for choosing.]

I've been formulating this post in my mind for months. It has been almost two full weeks since Emma nursed. Seeing that she is 19 months old, many would consider it well past due. There is a large part of me that weeps inside knowing that I will never get the opportunity to enjoy that wonderful bonding experience again. A few weeks ago, I read a wonderful post about another mother's experience with breastfeeding. Anymommy is most definitely a gifted writer and I am sure that my post will pale in comparison.

When I began the journey of breastfeeding almost 9 years ago with my first child, I had hoped that I would be able to nurse her for a while, but was so unsure of what that really would mean. I had no preconceived ideas of how long was the right amount and what I would do if I needed to formula feed. I just fed her and it worked. She had no difficulty latching on and even with a slight bout of jaundice, we were able to nurse with little fanfare. As she was born in February, it was so nice to just snuggle in and get cozy in bed or on the couch and spend uninterrupted time providing for my baby the way nature intended.

When I returned to work, I pumped. I felt like a cow and struggled mightily with supply problems. I took pills and drank teas and tried all I could do. It got to the point where I had no "freezer stash" and was living day to day hoping that nothing would happen. I can't tell you how painful it was to discover that I had forgotten to put my milk in the fridge one day and found it the next morning still in the cooler compartment of the breast pump. I'm sure I violated some tenet of breastfeeding when I poured that precious liquid gold right into a bottle and NOT down the drain. It smelled and tasted fine to me, so I just banked on the magical properties of breast milk to keep it safe. Thankfully, Sarah came out of that just fine and we were able to make it 12 months of nursing and pumping. She finally weaned herself around 15 months and I was fine with it. Part of me missed it as we snuggled at bedtime, but I also enjoyed having my body back.

When Sarah's younger sister Megan was born, we (my ta-ta's and I) were able to fall right back into the rhythm they learned a few years earlier. The time spent actually nursing her was wonderful, the time spent hooked up to a breast pump-not so much! The same supply issues I had with Sarah were still there. Megan always seemed to enjoy the nursing more than her sister and that was painfully evident in the almost 20 months we spent joined at the mouth/breast. I had to force Megan to wean and it was not a pretty sight. But, again part of me was a little sad to be done with it.

When Emma was born, my job situation had changed some and I knew I wasn't going to be able to nurse her in the morning when she woke. Which meant she was going to drink one more bottle a day than the other girls had, and knowing how my supply was with the other girls, I had a sinking suspicion that I would have some real problems keeping up. Emma was definitely a bigger eater than her sister, it didn't hurt she was born 1.5 lbs heavier. Nursing was not an issue, but of course, supply while pumping was. I posted last fall about my meltdown and my realization that Emma was going to be my first child to have formula. At the time, I felt like a failure. Thank God for friends and family who kept me from losing my mind and helped me to realize it was far more healthier for my child to have me sane, than to insist upon breast milk only.

Emma and I both made it to 12 months and lived to tell about it. When one of her first words was "nurse", I knew I had another addict on my hands. (It was adorable when she would walk up to me at bedtime saying "Nurse? Nurse? Peas, peas, nurse?") I knew it was time, but I couldn't bring myself to wean her. Over the past few months I had gotten her nursing down to just at bedtime and then the last few weeks, I've been slowly using other means of getting her to sleep. I would nurse her for a little and then take her up to her room to read Goodnight Moon and then down she would go. The Wednesday before Thanksgiving I decided this would be a good time to try to wean. Her bedtime routine that night consisted of just the book and nothing else and no complaints. Thanksgiving night, the same. And now we are going on almost two full weeks. Now that doesn't mean she still doesn't ask, but after I tell her a few times that its "all gone" she seems to give up. That also doesn't mean that I don't miss it.

I miss the feel of a baby nestled in my arms and rooting for a familiar smell. I miss the tell-tale feel of the good latch of a hungry baby. I miss the sight of a sleeping baby drunk on mother's milk. I miss the warmth and bonding of skin on skin contact. I miss the sweet sweet smell of baby breath. I miss the joy of knowing that I was the sole source of food for my child. I miss the feeling of total contentment and an indescribable emotion when I would look into the eyes of my nursing child; a feeling only another nursing mother can fully understand.

To Do: Revisited

2009-11-17T10:17:00.005-05:00

Back in January, I posted my To Do list in lieu of a resolution. In February, I managed to post an update. I haven't revisited it since. Yesterday, I found myself making a new To Do list and realized, I ought to check the old one to see how I've done.

~~Refinance house/take out HELOC~~
Steam clean carpets- This an always ongoing project (with 3 kids and a dog)
~~Organize closets~~
~~Re-do Closet (buy system from container store in Feb on sale~~)
Find time to work out I did great this summer, but need to step up on this ASAP
~~Paint Family room/kitchen~~/dining room
Burn home movies on to DVD's still haven't done
buy curtains for Dining room can't decide on what I want
Go through girls clothes and pack/give away On-going
~~Book Sarah's bday party~~
Storm door Haven't done, but REALLY need to.
Landscape side of garage we decided to wait until next spring
~~bulletin board for kitchen~~
screens repaired can't figure out how to remove the screens for repair without damaging them. AARRGGHH
~~thank you notes written~~
~~figure out camp schedule~~
~~buy and install new baby gates~~
~~buy new car seat~~

We did buy new carpeting for the family room and new light fixtures for the Kitchen. The carpet was not on the original list because I hadn't yet gotten so disgusted by it yet! (On a side note--I ABSOLUTELY LOVE MY NEW CARPET and wished I had done it sooner! )The builder's Berber carpet in the family room was so gross, it stunk and was no longer able to be steam cleaned any more. There are other parts of the house that need new carpet too, but I can wait a few years on that. We got new light fixtures when we painted. We figured it would look SO much better if we replaced the hideously out dated fixtures at the same time we painted the ceiling- we were right. We've only hung the one over the table so far. We tried to do the island light, but need an electrician for that one (the wires were not centered properly from the old fluorescent light).

Here is my new To-Do list. Don't worry, I'll have a new-er one on New Year's Day-as always!

Hang Kitchen light fixture
paint ceiling area around old light fixture
Pick artwork for family room & hang (can't afford to get real art work, so I'm going to frame some of the kids stuff)
clean and organize computer desk area
organize craft cabinet and create a "Family Center" (like the one seen here)
find end/sofa tables for family room
get brackets for wooden blind valances
dining room curtains
steam clean upstairs/living room curtains
write Christmas letter
paint or find replacement powder room cabinet

Is there a problem?

2009-11-15T21:46:00.000-05:00

Last week we had our Parent Teacher Conferences for both of the girls. I wasn't too worried going into them, but when I got an email from Sarah's teacher indicating that she wanted Sarah there and that "We all need to talk", I got a bit nervous.

Megan's conference was first. Sarah had the same teacher three years ago, so I knew what to expect. The county has changed the curriculum somewhat since then, with regards to math. They are presenting the first grade curriculum and if the kids don't get it, they work backwards. So, Megan is doing WAY more math than Sarah did at the same age. And you know what? She gets it. They are doing tally marks and graphing and she totally gets it! She recognizes all her letters, lower and uppercase. She can do almost all the sounds that correspond with the appropriate letter and is plugging right along. Socially, she is doing ok. Her teacher wants her to be able to stand up for herself. My Megan? Evidently she looks up to another girl in the class who is older and more advanced. Megan kind of lets her tell her what to do and she seems to be content with it. It hasn't been a real problem, but Mrs. F wants her to be more confident in the class and be able to tell her friend "No". I was totally flummoxed hearing all of this. Megan has absolutely NO problem standing up for herself at home. We almost have to step in and prevent her from standing up too much and bullying her older sister!

Sarah's conference did not go as well. She is a helper and is rushing through her own work in order to help others in the class. She has been given more Red Apples (Rewards for good character) than any other 3rd grader. However, the teacher has concerns about her reading comprehension and math fact retention. I have had my own concerns as well, but was secretly hoping it was just due to high expectations. I was wrong. We are going to try and get Sarah to calm down and focus and take her time to do her work correctly. I am going to work with her on reading comprehension at home. We will both monitor the situation and take a look at things in a few weeks.

Toward the end of our meeting, Sarah's teacher sent her off so we could talk alone. Mrs. T was concerned that she had scared me, by the look on my face. As an educator, I was fully aware of the implications of what she was telling me. But clearly there was a look of shock on my face. I was upset, only because I know that IF there are problems, that would make things much more difficult for Sarah.

I debriefed with Pat later in the night and began to think that maybe I was overreacting. Maybe things aren't as I fear. My girlfriend at work, who used to be an Elementary School teacher gave me some tips and pointers on how to work with Sarah and her reading. We will just plug away and keep reading and reminding Sarah to put effort and time into her work. I am hoping that when we review the situation in December or January that things will have improved.

DC Sniper

2009-11-09T13:53:00.007-05:00

If you lived in the Washington DC region during the fall of 2002, then I know you remember the horrible when John Allen Muhammad and Lee Boyd Malvo were terrorizing then entire area.

On October 2, 2002, James Martin was shot to death in the parking lot of a Shopper's Food Warehouse in Wheaton, MD. On October 3, six more people were killed in a matter of hours, setting off a frenzied man-hunt for a serial killer. There was a lot of speculation as to the type of person may be committing the crimes. It was thought that the individual may be driving a white box-type truck.

The entire area was paralyzed with fear. A few of the random killings took place at gas stations and almost all happened in broad daylight. People were afraid to go to the gas station, or even leave there homes. Police were stopping every white-box truck they could find.

On October 7, 2002, the unthinkable happened. A student was shot as he was dropped off at his middle school. His Aunt quickly pulled him back into the car and drove directly to an urgent care facility, saving his life. Authorities linked his shooting with the others and a tarot card was found at the scene saying, "I am God".

If the hysteria wasn't bad before, it certainly was afterwards. My school (which was in the same system as the boy's) had a number of portable classrooms out back. For a time, students were walked out to the classrooms. After the student was shot, classes were moved inside. There was a level of fear that was just unspoken.

The terror continued with another killing on October 9th and another shooting that wounded the victim on October 19th. On October 22, the final victim, Conrad Johnson, a bus driver, was shot and killed while standing on the steps of his bus.

John Allen Muhammad and Lee Boyd Malvo were arrested in nearby Frederick, MD on October 24th. They did not have a White box truck, but instead had a Chevy Caprice that had been modified so that a person could lay down in the back seat and shoot out of a hole the trunk.

It was a terrifying time that no one in the area will soon forget. The killings were so random, that everyone felt like a target. Personally, I remember fearing the worst that October 3rd morning. It was a Thursday and my father volunteers at a library near the shooting in Kensington. He often got gas at the Shell station because it usually was the cheapest around. Little details were immediately released, but when the news came out that a person was killed pumping gas at the Shell, I got worried. My father had no cell phone at the time and I could not get a hold of him. I found out later in the day that particular victim was a woman.

Everyone has a similar story from that three week period in October. Every day I drive through the area where the majority of these shootings took place and have shopped in some of the shopping centers where he committed these heinous crimes. Tonight at 9pm, John Allen Mohammad is scheduled to be executed in Virginia as punishment for his crimes. Whether or not you believe in the death penalty, whether or not you feel as though his lawyers didn't do their job (he defended himself with some legal assistance), whether or not you feel he is mentally ill, Muhammad turned a young man (Malvo) into a monster, killed 10 and wounded 3 others and terrorized the entire Metro DC region. It is hard to think that life in prison would be enough to make up for all he has done.

October

2009-11-09T13:22:00.004-05:00

Evidently, October didn't exist.

Obviously, that is not exactly correct. It did exist, and was jam-packed with a million things to do. But, I really have no idea where the time went, but here we are almost a third of the way through November already-how the hell did that happen?!

I read a few blogs and thoroughly enjoy being able to keep up with the lives of others or read about controversial topics, but I seemed to have been barely able to do that in the past month or so. I started this blog as a way to chronicle my life and memories, not really caring how many people read it, or even if anyone reads it. I am sure that memorable things have happened in the past few weeks, but I just couldn't find the energy to write about it. So if there is anyone out there reading this, I am sorry that I have not updated since September!

In case you were interested, Megan recovered from her UTI-only after needing to go back for a second prescription of hard-core antibiotics (don't get me started on how inept the CVS by my house is). Sarah's soccer season just finished (they tied for 3rd place) and Winter Swimming started 2 weeks ago. Sarah also took classes to be able to receive her first communion and was thrilled to finally be able to partake last Sunday. Emma is now 18 months old and we still can only understand about 30% of what she is saying. The commitment to being on the Elementary School PTA has not been as bad as I thought it would, but it does often conflict with Sarah's choir practice. Pat tells me that I have Sarah in too many activities. I just want her to be able to enjoy her time with her friends. I haven't forced her to do any of these things. As soon as things begin to be a chore for her, we will revisit the situation. I just want her to be able to build a good friend base and keep active. I can't do the "after school play-date" that so many work/stay at home moms in our neighborhood do, so I have to keep her in activities where she sees her friends this way.

In conversation with an upset and stressed out student this afternoon, it became clear that she wasn't spending enough time on herself. She was internalizing her parents marital issues, her mom's battles with her younger sister, and her brother's early education (she was taking it upon herself to teach him his letters and to convince her sister to apply to the middle school magnet program). She has taken on fixing everyone's problems without caring for herself. She is now distracted, grades are suffering and she is crying a lot. Among other things we talked about, I suggested that she find time for herself, she needs to realize that she cannot solve some of the issues in the lives of those around her and focus on what she can do. She needs to find time to recharge her batteries, so to speak, and de-stress and she may find that things get easier.

Obviously, this is good advice for everyone, but definitely for me. It is near impossible to get "me time", but I need to find it. Also, I really enjoyed writing about our experiences as a family here on the blog, and I think I need to begin to do that more often. I won't promise daily, but I am definitely going to make more of an effort.

No time to pee?

2009-09-30T14:00:00.004-04:00

I don't seem to have enough time these days. I know that is a common rant of a mother, but seriously, where the hell has the time gone. It is essentially October already and I can't believe it. I don't have time for anything any more. Clearly, since I haven't written anything on here since September 5! The only reason I am writing now is that I am home with Megan who has a Urinary Tract Infection and I am procrastinating folding the laundry.

The start of the school year has gone well. Sarah is involved in many things this year: Soccer (of course), Brownies, & now she is singing in our church's children's choir. Winter swim will start at the end of October, thankfully Soccer will almost be over by then. She is loving school (as much as any kid can) this year and is thrilled with her teacher (so am I). There is definitely more work this year and she is feeling the pinch. It is still a major struggle some nights to get her to finish it, but I know she is being challenged and not just coasting through (I've got to remember to write up our first major HW battle about the thesaurus)

Megan is not involved in any activities (no surprise there). She fights anything like that. She does want to join Daisy Scouts, but I don't think anyone wants to be the troop leader. She won't admit that she likes Kindergarten, but I'm pretty sure that she does. However, I did recently realize that she hasn't been using the bathroom at school. Last Thursday when I picked her up from aftercare, She told me she had a bad day. I shrugged it off as her usual complaining until she mentioned it again and I looked at her face. She had an accident and didn't tell anyone about it. She managed to finish up the school day, go to aftercare, play and sit down to start her homework without anyone realizing she had wet pants. I got her home and cleaned up and we talked. It turns out that she has been reluctant to use the classroom potty and has been holding it all day, every day. We talked about the importance of using the potty and I sent an email to her teacher. Friday, she came home and let me know that she had used the potty. I thought we were home free.

Monday night, after a weekend trip to grandmas, she complained that it hurt to go to the bathroom. I quickly called Pat who was already at the store and told him to buy some cranberry juice. I think we were too late. She drank some, and seemed OK Tuesday morning. Yesterday afternoon I picked her up from aftercare to find out that she had another accident right at the end of the school day. This time, she was taken to the nurse's office and given a change of clothes. She proceeded to be in a great deal of pain and cried out every time she used the potty. Damn, I knew it!

Pat took her to the Dr this morning for confirmation-UTI! She is still in pain, doesn't want to drink the cranberry juice and I had to bribe her to take the antibiotic. This girl has serious control issues, to the point of self destruction!

EA Sports Active Week 1

2009-09-05T17:33:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago I won a copy of EA Sports Active for the Wii from my buds at the Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans. One stipulation of winning was that I participate in the 30 Day Challenge beginning August 31.

I tried out the game the day before the challenge began and I am soooo glad that I did. I didn't realize how much I had to prep-work I had to do before I could even start it. Of course the obligatory 15 minutes to open the package and deal with the security tape before I could even get the case open. I managed to figure out how to assemble the resistance band and then to strap on the leg thing (for the life of me I can't remember what it is actually called).

I was all set to work out. I created my profile and chose a 30 minute medium intensity workout. It was good to get a chance to try out some of the excercises before the "big day", especially since I spent the first 10 minutes trying to figure out how to put the nunchuck remote in the pocket on the leg thing the right way. My trainer kept yelling at me that I had it in backwards, but I swear it wouldn't it the way it was supposed to!

Monday morning was the first day of school for the big girls and me. I had already planned to take a few hours off in the morning to escort Megan to her first day of Kindergarten. so, I woke up almost at my usual time and I turned on the Wii for day one of the 30 Day Challenge.

Holy squats! My legs were killing my later in the day and on Tuesday, but it was a good hurt. I love the resistance band and a lot of the exercises, but I still feel as though I need more cardio than it provides. So far I've done 5 days of the challenge and I like it a lot. Here's hoping the next 25 days keep me burning!

Where does she get this stuff

2009-08-29T09:35:00.000-04:00

Pat had the following conversation with Megan in the car on the way to the eye doctor. Seriously, she cracks me up sometimes.

The DJ on the car radio was talking to people who had undergone surgery for amputation. A gentleman called in who mentioned he had to have a leg amputated after he was wounded in the Gulf War.

Megan: Daddy, that guy had to have his leg cut off when he played golf. But, you play golf.

Pat: No Megan, he was hurt in the War, the Gulf War and had to have his leg amputated because of the injury.

Megan: How did he get home then, hop?

30 Day Challenge

2009-08-26T21:31:00.003-04:00

A few weeks ago I won a copy of EA Sports Active for the Wii from my buds over at The Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans. One of the stipulations of the contest was the participation in the 30 Day Challenge that it set to begin on Aug 31. As a participant in the 30 Day Challenge, here is my profile for The Sisterhood:

30 Day Challenge Profile

Name: Sue
Age: 37
Hometown: Olney MD

Family: Me, Hubby, 3 energetic girls (8, 5, & 1) and 1 large black lab (she's a girl too)

1) Complete the following sentence – “When I look in the mirror I see a woman in her late 30's who is running out of time to get in better shape.

2) What exercise do you take? What’s your current level of fitness? I walk and play with my girls, as well as hit the gym a few days a week. I love the elliptical machine as well as using the weight machines.

3) How do you relax? I wish I could say reading, but I rarely have the mental energy to read on the rare occasion I have the actual time to. Usually, I sit in front of the TV or flip through a magazine.

4) Do you watch your weight? I have always watched my weight. It has been a major part of my life for as long as I can remember. Of course, sometimes I don't watch it as well as I could :).

5) What’s your favorite body part? Since I'm still nursing my little one, at the moment, I love my boobs.

6) What’s your least favorite body part? without a hesitation, my booty! I am a pear shape with some definite junk in my trunk.

7) What’s your favorite way to workout? I like the fact that I can get a great cardio workout on the elliptical. I don't have a ton of time to workout, so I can hit the gym, spend 30 or so min on the elliptical, then spend some time on the weighs and be out of there in an hour.

Its time to work out, we’re most likely to find you decked out in? Exercise Capri's and an old t-shirt.

9) You’re due to workout, but it’s pouring rain. What do you do? I go anyway, I'll only be wet walking from my car to the gym, no biggie!

10) What’s the one item you wouldn’t be without when working out? Water!

11) What do you hope to get from the 30 Day Challenge? I hope to get myself into a better pattern of working out and increase my stamina for longer periods of cardio activity.

12) What are you apprehensive about going in? Being able to find the time every day to work out. September is my busiest time at work (I'm a high school counselor) and my kids exhaust me and don't let me have much time to myself.

13) How will you reward yourself after the challenge? thinking about a girls weekend or a massage.

14) Complete the following sentence – “I’m Active for … me and my girls!”

It's a jungle out there

2009-08-22T14:13:00.008-04:00

Literally!

I love to garden. It is a love that I inherited from my mother. Ever since I can remember she has toiled in her garden, planting tomatoes, peppers, lettuce, zucchini, herbs and I'm sure plenty of other things I'm forgetting. As a child she often let us plant our own beds to tend throughout the summer.

Well, in my adulthood, I have managed to continue the gardening bug. At each house we have owned, Pat and I have built a raised garden bed to make it easier to garden (our soil is so full of clay, it makes it hard to grow anything but weeds sometimes).

I don't know what happens to my garden every year. I start out with my plants so carefully spaced and end up with a raging jungle. I weed and tend, but the plants get out of control. Here you see them growing up and over the railing of the staircase to the basement door. This year, I planted even less seedlings than I normally do and I still have a mess. Part of the problem is that my cherry tomatoes keep re-seeding themselves and I can't bring myself to pull the volunteer plants out. We even have some tomato plants growing in the grass and at the bottom of the stairs to the basement!

Here are a few pictures of my garden about a week ago. One of the cherry tomato plants is starting to die and the zucchini is on it's last legs(Pat actually pulled out the zucchini plants about 2 days after I took the picture).

It might be messy, but it produces such yummy fruit

Stubborn

2009-08-21T07:00:00.000-04:00

Megan, my middle child, is a stubborn child. I love her to death, but she will kill me I am sure! She is a creature of habit and has serious issues if things do not go her way. She is predictable in an unpredictable way. Or maybe I mean that the other way around. I never know when she is going to act up, but she usually does, but sometimes doesn't when I thought she would. Confused yet? Me too.

We finished daycare for her back in June and she was slated for 2 weeks of summer camp to begin the transition to being a "big girl" and getting ready for Kindergarten in the fall. Her older sister LOVES camp and looks forward to any camp experience with abandon. Megan, on the other hand, had convinced herself before even setting foot at the camp that it sucked and she didn't want to go. Well, she had no choice, "Mommy has to work and I've already paid for camp."

The first day of camp was a rough drop off for my dear husband. when I picked her up and asked her about her day, she melted and said she hated it (not a surprise). She told me she wasn't going to swim the next day at the pool either. When I picked her up on day two and asked her if she had fun, she told me no (meanwhile there was a teeny tiny smile on her face). The rest of the two weeks continued like that. I am pretty sure she had some fun, but would never admit to it and complain ALL. THE. TIME.

Then we began swim lessons. I wrote about it here. It was pure torture. I've discovered that this stubborn kid cannot be swayed easily at all.

Two weeks ago, my girls were invited by their Aunt to attend a week long evening Vacation Bible School at their church with their cousins. Sarah was on board as soon as it was mentioned. Megan wasn't sure. I didn't push it. They were having a party to kick off the program and Megan agreed, to my surprise, to go. She came home talking about moon bounces and games. On Monday, I asked her if she wanted to go and she said she would (not enthusiastically though). It was a little different when she came home that night, there was no moon bounce or Popsicles. I asked her if she had fun and was told,. "NO". I let her know that she didn't have to go again if she didn't want to and left it at that.

Tuesday night, I was hurrying Sarah along in getting ready to go when I asked Megan if she wanted to go. To my surprise, she said yes. Huh? Really? OK, lets go!

When she got home that evening I ask, "Megan, did you have fun?"

Looking down at the floor with a disappointed face, she sheepishly said "Yes".

Wednesday Weigh-In

2009-08-19T14:29:00.003-04:00

Holding pretty steady for now. I did put on .8 lbs this week, but I don't care too much about that...It's just a number, right!

I am back at work this week and like 5 people have commented on how great I look. I don't think it is that noticeable, but I'll take what ever compliment I can get.

I do need to work on a schedule for getting my butt to the gym now that I' back to work and school is starting soon. Hopefully, I'll be able to keep up a decent routine. The start of the school year is so busy, both personally and professionally, that it will be tough.

Stitch

2009-08-14T12:00:00.000-04:00

Remember in the Disney movie Lilo and Stitch when the mad scientist is describing his Experiment 626 (Stitch) and how he was designed for mass destruction? Well, that is Emma. She is absolutely adorable, yet thoroughly destructive. She is the most daring, destructive an inquisitive of our three girls.

I feel like I am constantly going around and picking things up. She figured out how to pull the Child-safety caps off of the electrical outlets on her first try...months ago! When the other girls attempted to mess with them I'd yell, maybe a slight swat on the hand and a firm NO! and they never touched them again. Emma is attracted to them and is constantly messing with them. We must now upgrade to a more secure plug cover

Here you see how she has learned how to climb up on the chairs in the kitchen.

She managed to push the chair from the desk area over to the island, and then proceeded to push everything onto the floor.

If she had enough upper body strength, she would have probably climbed up onto the island.

She figured out how to climb on the table. She pulls herself up on the bench and then right up onto the table ALL.THE.TIME! Yesterday we moved the bench to the basement where it will have to stay for probably another year. We don't have enough matching chairs for the kitchen table at the moment, but it will have to do. Now if I can just get the big girls to push in their chairs, we should be able to keep Emma off of the table

Wednesday Weigh-In

2009-08-12T17:15:00.002-04:00

I’ve been doing a Low-Carb diet for a smidge over a week now. It is hard, but it has gotten easier. I never realized how much my diet consisted of carbs until I couldn't eat them. I miss my milk products (thank goodness I can have the cream for my coffee though-go figure) and crunch snacks and FRUIT! It is weird not to be able to just pick up what I want and eat it with moderation (what I've been used to). I can say that right before I started this two-week program, I had regained a few pounds I had lost. So total I've lost (doing low carb) 7.6 lbs, but since last weigh-in 4.8.

I am very pleased with the results. There were a few days where I re-gained a pound and I think it was because I ate too many tomatoes (they are a fruit after all.) I can have some, but not the amount I was eating. My garden has been pumping out the tomatoes, especially the super sweet and yummy cherry tomatoes that I’ve been eating a ton of daily!

As of this morning, I’ve lost 11lbs since I started checking in with the folks at the Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans. It has been a slow process, but I am thrilled to have FINALLY earned my 10lb button!

I am SO THRILLED to have won a copy of EA Sports Active for the Wii through the Sisterood and will now be particpating in the next challenge beginning Sept 1!!

Two weeks

2009-08-05T22:29:00.002-04:00

My weight loss journey has brought me back to where I was before my vacation almost 2weeks ago! But I feel as though I have hit a wall. My girlfriend at work has been frustrted that she hasn't lost all her "baby weight" either. She has encouraged me to do a 2week low carb diet to jump start things.

I've never been a fan of the low carb or fad diets, but I figured it couldn't hurt. This is day two and it has been pretty manageable. Except for the fact that we had dinner at my parents and I couldn't even eat the dishes I brought (Zucchini casserole and a peach tart). The plan is to do this for 2 weeks and that slowly and MODERATLEY return carbs back into a reasonable and low fat diet. We shall see. I'll keep you posted.

outer banks

2009-08-02T13:00:00.000-04:00

Our week vacation was incredible. We spent the week at the very end of the Outer Banks of North Carolina on Hatteras Island. Believe me, it was not an easy trip to make (it took 12 hours when it should have only been 7), but well worth it.

We have vacationed on the outer banks once before, and loved it then. But, to be honest, living only 2 hours away from the Delaware beaches, it's very hard to find the rational for driving such a long distance.

Well, last week totally reminded me why it's worth it. The beach house was amazing. 6 bedrooms and plenty of living space. Unless it's meal time, you didn't even realize that there were 23 people living in the house. We had a large bedroom and our own bathroom. Emma slept with us, but the big girls slept dorm style with the other kids on bunks down stairs. There were plenty of TVs and a pool table on the bottom floor. I was able to get some reading done on the decks and the loft area. A bonus was that the house (as many here have) had a pool. It was not large, but it worked for us and the kids. Megan, who has never been a beach bum, enjoyed hanging out at the pool (especially since we got her a life vest to wear..she can now swim all over the place). Emma enjoyed both the beach and the pool. She showed no fear of the water and actually enjoyed digging in the sand as much as she liked jumping into the pool. I swear, she thinks she can swim and tried to squirm out of my arms all the time. She wanted no parts of her "baby float" but wants to swim like the big kids.

The beach was awesome. It is actually part of the Cape Hatteras National Seashore. There are not a gazillion people around and you don't have to worry about someone stealing your prime spot on the beach. One drawback is that there is also no lifeguard (something I do wish we had, especially with the rip current that seemed to hang around for a few days mid-week). On Wednesday, the water was so clear, it was amazing. You would have though we were in Florida or the Bahamas. I tried to capture it with a few pictures, but I am not sure that it really translates the way it should. The kids all had such a ball trying to catch the fish that you could see swimming in the tide. Amazing!

The company was wonderful. We managed to get invited to join a group of Pat's family that goes on vacation every year. The group includes Pat's Uncle Ralph and Aunt Ann, their two kids, Dee and Dennis along with their families, us and my in laws. The boyfriend of Dennis' oldest daughter and the girlfriend and Dee's oldest son were there as well. It made for 23 people total. I know that sounds like a daunting group, but it really wasn't bad at all. We already knew that we got along well with everyone, we had just never been together for longer than a day with any of them. What helped is that all the kids seem to get along as well. There were a few squabbles, but they were usually between siblings.

All in all, it was a great vacation and we would absolutely do it again, if we are invited back. Pat and I have spent the last week trying to figure out if we can afford to do both a Delaware trip (and include my mom) as well as an Outer Banks one. If we start saving now, we just might be able to do it.

oops

2009-07-29T15:51:00.004-04:00

Well, I was right. I managed to put on a few pounds while on vacation. Two to be exact. Thankfully, both Pat and I were both on board for the post vacation buckle-down and we got right back on the wagon. He put on a few more than I did (Six for him, I think), so for once, he has further to go this week than I do.

Since returning on Saturday, I've managed to lose 1.8 of my 2lb gain! Pretty good. It helps that we've got a TON of Zucchini from the garden to eat, and that I've been working this week (which means no mid day snacking)

Back on track!

I know I promised more Vacation stuff, just haven't gotten to it yet. Soon, I promise ;)

Vacation

2009-07-22T17:34:00.005-04:00

The view from the deck outside my bedroom

As I type this I am gazing out onto a beautiful beach from the deck of the beach house we have rented with family. It is an amazing place and am so sad that it is already Wednesday, which means we will have to head home soon.

No scales here on vacation (which is probably a good thing). However, I did weigh myself on Sat morning before we left. I managed to get back to where I was and then a smidge- for a loss of 1.2 lbs this week. Early Friday morning I figured out why I had gained a pound in a week despite all my efforts (TMI WARNING)- after 2 years, my cycle decided to come back! It was definitely not what I wanted the day before leaving on vacation!

Total lost so far...6.2 lbs. I know it is not a lot, but I feel good and have had my father-in-law, a coworker, and a neighbor all comment that it looks like I've3 lost weight.

I know that I will have gained on this vacation, lets hope I can get back on the program quickly once we return home!

I'll post more about the vacation later.

Win some, lose some

2009-07-15T21:40:00.002-04:00

Unfortunately, my good fortune had to come to an end. I put on a pound this week, and I'm not sure why. I slacked off on keeping track of my points, so I will have to get better at that this week. Of course, we are heading to the beach on Sat, so I don't know how successful I'll be there either.

I will tell you that I feel good. I've also had a few people comment that it looks like I'm losing weight. That has been such a confidence boost!

I am determined to walk every day at the beach and hopefully counter-act the vacation yummies!

Good Cop Bad Cop

2009-07-11T15:25:00.008-04:00

Why is it I am always the Bad Cop? Pat always gets to come in on his white horse and save the day (at least in the eyes of our girls). This weekend is no different.

For weeks, Pat has had plans to go to Pittsburgh this weekend to participate in a golf tournament put on by one of his high school buddies. He had planned on taking the big girls up with him for some alone time with him as well as an opportunity to see Grandma and Pappy without any cousins around to spoil their time.

As usual, we had to dangle this trip in front of the girls like a carrot in order to keep them on the straight and narrow. It worked for Sarah, but not so much for Megan. She refused to participate in pre-team swim practice (daily swim lessons with assistant coaches from Sarah's swim team). It didn't help that the main coach for her class was a tad bit impatient with the 4, 5 & 6 year-olds in the class. [Seriously, in a terse voice did you really have to threaten her that if she didn't start participating she would have to be removed from the water because she was holding back the whole class? If you had just let her get acclimated a bit by standing on the stairs, she probably would have been fine. Also, if you would have joked around with her instead of being all "coachy", it might have helped.]

All Megan had to do was participate in swim class. I usually don't issue ultimatums that I don't fully plan on following through with. So, when she refused to participate on Wednesday (the 3rd day in a row), I pulled the plug on the trip. As much as I wanted my "free" time, I was willing to sacrifice for the greater good. I knew that Pat was disappointed and that my mother-in-law would be VERY disappointed, but it had to be done....she has gotten out of control.

Wednesday, Pat informed me that my mother-in-law had already purchased tickets to the zoo and that their Aunt had gone out of her way to secure pool passes for them as well. He really wanted Megan to go so that this was not a waste. He got to play good cop. I think that he gave her a stern lecture Thursday morning and told her that she needed to apologize to me and that if she did, she would be able to go on the trip.

As I said goodbye to them later that afternoon, I reminded Megan that she had been given a gift. If I found out that she had behaved horribly on the trip she would be in trouble upon her return.

I'm sure she doesn't believe it though..not with Daddy always coming to her rescue.

Hot Dog

2009-07-10T22:29:00.002-04:00

Emma has really started to pick up words, thank goodness! If you can't understand her, tonight she had a hot dog and mixed vegetables. Evidently it was all "nom nommy" and she hasn't figured out hello from bye-bye just yet.

celebration

2009-07-08T21:21:00.004-04:00

It is always hard to maintain healthy eating habits when you are celebrating a holiday with friends and family. This fourth of July was no different.

On the actual fourth, I think I did pretty well. Went to my parents house and headed over to their pool for the afternoon. We were joined by Grandma as well as Aunt Jan and Uncle Charles. The girls had fun swimming with Grandma and Aunt Jan and watching Uncle Charles go down the water slide! Afterwards we headed back to Grandma and Pappy's house for dinner. It was a lovely evening that ended with yummy cupcakes courtesy of Aunt Jan. We headed out to the fireworks and then home. All girls were in bed and asleep by 10:30.

Sunday, was another story. Some of Pat's coworkers wanted to have a crab feast but had no where to do it (they live in condos with no yard or balconies big enough). We happily offered our deck as a suitable location. It was so nice to have other people bring the party! All we had to do was provide a grill, some ice and a pasta salad! The rest came to us! There was lots of crabs (and some other food too, but I only cared about the crabs), and they were delicious. There was also lots of libations. I have to admit, I imbibed just a wee bit too much.

Monday morning I was extremely disappointed when I got on the scale. I had to make the next two day's really work for me if my Wednesday Weigh in was going to be decent.

No quite sure how I did it, but this morning the scale actually showed a loss of 1 lb from last week! I'll take it!

things are moving

2009-07-01T09:00:00.000-04:00

Coming off my 3.6 lb loss last week, I was pretty motivated to make things work. With the kids in camp this week, working, and trying to get to swim practices, I haven't been able to get to the gym as often as I wanted to. So this morning, I was pleased to see that had lost another 1.4 lbs for a total of 5lbs!

I'll be home with the kids for a few weeks beginning on Friday, so hopefully I'll be able to get some walks in and hit the gym to get things moving a little faster! Clearly, I can't do this by diet or exercise alone, I MUST do both.

Hoping to lose another 5 lbs before we hit the beach in 2.5 weeks. If I stick to my guns, I should be able to!

love

2009-06-27T08:28:00.004-04:00

Today is the funeral for my Great Aunt Christine Sheetz. She was 97 years old. The women in my family tend to live a long time, so it is not surprising. What may be, to some, is that her husband Bill is still going strong at 103! Last year, the couple celebrated their 80th wedding anniversary, and her death came just one week before they would have celebrated 81 years of wedded bliss. They still lived in their own home and were amazingly still very independent. If I remember correctly, Uncle Bill may have still been driving.

Last year they profiled in Pennsylvania Families magazine last year and there was even talk of a visit to the Tonight Show, but Uncle Bill declined.

Their story is one that makes you truly honor the institution of marriage. I know that it is physically impossible for me to be married 80 years (I would be 107 years old), but I hope that my marriage can at least be as happy and fulfilling as theirs was.

As touching as their story is, my lovely husband remarks, "Man you're never going to die are you."

Spongeworthy

2009-06-26T08:00:00.000-04:00

I swear Megan is a sponge, soaking up everything she sees and hears.

The big girls and I were driving in the car the other day when Megan chimes up from the back seat with this little gem:

Megan: Mom, did you know that sometimes goodbye is a second chance?
Me: What?
Megan: Sometimes goodbye is a second chance.
Me. A second chance? Oh, well yeah I guess so. Where did you get that from?
Sarah: No Mom, she means from the song?
Me: The song?...Oh, right. Yes, the song. Yes, sometimes goodbye can be a second chance.

I then went on about what that really meant. I don't think either of them cared though. Megan kinda got it, which made me proud.

We don't listed to a ton of radio, so I am not sure when she heard the song and I now have to start paying attention to lyrics so she doesn't pick up something completely inappropriate. Who knew she actually listened!?

I hope that this means school will be easy for her, academically at least.

finally

2009-06-24T10:00:00.001-04:00

Thanks to the Sisterhood and my new prize, this lovely notebook. I actually started useing it right away to keep notes on my food intake.

Clearly it is working because I am down 3.6 lbs!! Didn't get a chance to work out as much this past week due to end of year activities, but still managed to keep active enough. What is even better is that for the first time in our relationhsip, I was able to actually lose weight on a visit to my in-laws this past weekend. There is always tons of good food and snacks to munch on, but I managed to stick to my diet. We also attended a really fun graduation party for Pat's cousin's oldest. It was a blast, but I avoided the adult beverages (just one glass of wine) and limited my food to just a taste of things!

I am so happy that I finally saw the scale move in the right direction. Just hoping I can keep this up!

I wish I had one of those

2009-06-23T08:00:00.000-04:00

For the last two weeks, Pat was taking a class that required him to leave much earlier than normal. Thus, creating a dilemma in getting the kids to school. I have little leave as it is, and I would need to take 2 hours every morning in order to get all of them to school/daycare. Thankfully, my in-laws offered to help for a week. They came down and took the big girls to school and daycare in the morning and even watched the baby during the day.

I know a lot of people who would be inconvenienced by having their in-laws with them for that long. And I am fully aware of all the in-law jokes out there. Now my mother-in-law is certainly not perfect, but it is so nice having her there. She is a woman who likes to keep busy and found all sorts of things to do while she was here. I can't tell you how nice it is to come home to clean laundry and vacuumed carpets. My kitchen island never accumulated crap while she was there either. I would never have asked her to run a load of laundry or clean, lord no! But she did it anyways, and I am so grateful.

One afternoon while she was here I was picking up the girls from aftercare and we were talking about how great it was that Grandma was there to help with all these things. As we were talking, another mother walked past us and commented, "I wish I had one of those." We both chuckled and smiled.

I never thought I'd ever say it, but my mother-in-law can come and visit any time she wants to!!

Tears

2009-06-22T10:20:00.004-04:00

School has been over for almost a week now and I am just getting to post about it. I really wish I could find more time in the day (without kids).

After a horrible year in first grade last year, Sarah couldn't run out of the building fast enough. She had absolutely no desire to say goodbye to her teacher, let alone give her a hug. I'll have to admit, I agreed with her. Mrs. F turned her love of school into pure torture after just two week. We spent the year in a constant state of frustration and tears. She hated going to school, she didn't understand homework, and there was little communication from the teacher. There was a bully in her class that gave Sarah such grief and Mrs. F had extremely poor classroom management skills.

However, being a counselor within the same school district, I didn't want to become that parent; the one who was always complaining and trying to blame their child's issues on others. So I worked with Sarah at home on how to deal with the teacher and the bully. She also worked with her counselor at school to develop some coping strategies as well. She managed to survive the year, and even had perfect attendance. But I knew something needed to change.

I wrote to the principal of the school at the end of last year detailing my concerns and hopes that Sarah would have a better year in 3rd grade. Thankfully, Sarah was placed with the only teacher she wanted.

This year was such a better year for her. We still have some of her own behaviors to deal with, but all in all, she had a very successful year. We had very little frustration and tears, in sharp contrast to last year. Once, again, I wrote a letter to the principal. However, this year, the letter was in praise of Mr. L and his way of bringing Sarah back to loving school. In fact, she didn't want the year to end. She was in tears over the whole thing for hours. Even at bedtime, she got weepy just thinking about the fact that she wouldn't be able to see Mr. L until school returned in the fall.

I couldn't be happier!

The Zero Game

2009-06-17T17:33:00.003-04:00

I love the book The Zero Game by Brad Meltzer (a thriller involving a game played by Capitol Hill staffers that leads to murder and intrigue), however that is not what this post is about.

After weeks of working out regularly and watching my diet, the scale has moved no where. My husband and co-workers are stunned, and I am frustrated beyond belief. Clearly, something is not working right. I must now spend the time (of which I have little) writing down everything I eat, because I must be eating more than I think I am. eEther that, or I am destined to be fluffy!

My Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans Team Pink will probably revolt and kick me off the team after yet another week of contributing nothing to our percentage of weight lost.

I just don't get it

2009-06-11T08:27:00.004-04:00

Yesterday afternoon I was checking my twitter account and saw the breaking news that there had been a shooting at the Holocaust Museum. Naturally, I was shocked and saddened by the report. At the time, I was too busy to go and check the news sites to read more about it.

Later, while at the gym, I was watching the monitor above my elliptical machine and was captivated by the reports.

I just don't get it.

I don't understand how people can feel so much hatred for a group of people solely based on their religious, ethnic, or racial background. So much hatred, that they feel the need to take radial action against that group.

I can understand situations where you would feel hatred toward an individual that has grievously harmed you personally, but the whole I hate you because you are [fill in the blank ethnic group] makes absolutely no sense to me.

I just don't get it.

I was crushed when the reports came out that the security guard died of his wounds. I'm sure the woman on the elliptical next to me was a bit perplexed when I let out an audible groan. Stephen T. Jones did what he could to protect the staff and visitors to the museum and died heroically trying to prevent further destruction. I am sure that James Wennecker von Brunn will be pleased to learn that he has killed an African American as well as impacted an amazing and moving museum dedicated to honoring the victims of the holocaust. What is more disgusting to me is that there are throngs of individuals who will now laud this man and his ideology; he will no doubt be placed on a pedestal by other hate groups.

I just don't get it.

After Dr. Tiller's death earlier this month, and now this, I am more and more confused by those out there that feel the need to push their beliefs onto others. I just had a conversation with my oldest the other day about this (the concept, not the specifics). We talked about how this country was founded by people who wanted the freedom to believe in their own ideas and religions. This is what makes this country great. I am so glad I live in a country where I can vote for who I want, believe in what I want and live free, yet RESPECT others for having their own, and even different beliefs. I don't understand intolerance and hatred. Most importantly, I hope that I have instilled this in my own children.

I just don't get it.

Why is this so hard?

2009-06-09T21:16:00.004-04:00

I absolutely hate my husband.

Well, not really.

Last week I decided that I had to do something and I joined the gym near our house. I have gone to the gym almost every day since. I have been watching what I eat and doing pretty good, so I thought. I have lost a total of NOTHING!

My husband, who I love dearly, has decided to start exercising as well. In a week he has lost like 7 lbs.

WTF!!

Seriously, there is something wrong with this picture. I lose ounces and he loses serious weight.

It is a good thing that he loves me unconditionally, because at the rate I'm going, I'll never be his trophy wife!

Reruns

2009-06-03T21:28:00.003-04:00

Ok, I feel like I've been losing that same damn 2-3 lbs over the past few months. I've absolutely had it. I decided that trying to exercise and do this myself is not going to work. I CANNOT workout while my kids are home. Little Emma does not allow me the luxury of a few minutes of peace, let alone a few miles on the treadmill.

I broke down and joined the gym up the street. Thankfully, I get a discount for being a teacher. My plan is that I actually leave work on time (a novel thought, I know) and spend at least 45 minutes at the gym before I pick up the girls.

So far, so good. I've been able to go to the gym for the past 4 days in a row. I think one of those days I was only able to do 30 minutes, but I went!

I am hoping that I won't jinx myself by posting about this here, but I'll do it anyways. Now that school is ending for the year, I will hopefully have more time to dedicate to my commitment to myself. Thankfully, Pat is on this journey with me!

Where does she get this stuff

2009-06-03T21:25:00.004-04:00

Overheard on the playground....

Little boy: I love Indiana Jones

Megan: Whatever (in the snottiest tone you can imagine)

Pat: Megan, you shouldn't talk to people that way.

Megan: What? I wasn't talking about him [the little boy]. I'm just not that big a fan of Indiana Jones

if only

2009-05-09T21:48:00.002-04:00

If only I had more time in the day, the week, the month.

I must utter this at least once or twice a day. It has been a while since I posted (but really does anyone but my family even read this?). I have been so busy at work and with spring sports, I just haven't had time to post, catch up on twitter, facebook or even read the blogs I normally do. I feel as if I am running on empty at times. I CANNOT wait until June when work slows and summer takes over. Of course I still have camp and swim team schedules as well as work to deal with, but it is way more relaxed.

Today was a busy one. Pat had to work this morning so I had to handle all 3 girls by myself. Normally not a big deal, but we had 9:00 Tball for Megan, 10:30 soccer for Sarah. Then we had to prepare for a 3pm princess party for Megan at the house. We managed to get it all done and in good spirits, it was miraculous. Megan's Tball coach calls her a "Hitting Machine" and that has gotten her much more interested in the game. Sarah scored 7 goals (I actually only witnessed 5, so I am not 100% sure she has the number corrects) and is floating on a cloud!

The Party of 6 girls (ages 4 and 5) went quite well. We decorated goody bags, home made magic wands, and princess tiaras. We played on the swing set, played pin the tail on the unicorn, and had an awesome scavenger hunt for the princess castle pinata. The girls had so much fun and Sarah was such an awesome helper, I couldn't get over it.

I tucked the girls into bed tonight and felt so good about the day. So often I put them to bed and vow to myself to work hard to be a better mom tomorrow. I hate it when I feel like I've lost my patience with them and that I've yelled at them more than not. Tonight was NOT one of those nights. I kissed their sleeping heads and felt so great about how the day went. I'm not sure what worked today, but I hope I can replicate it over and over again.

Today was one of those days that makes me feel so happy to be their mom.

Happy Birthday

2009-04-20T18:11:00.005-04:00

It is hard to believe that my youngest and last child is turning one today. It is a bittersweet feeling to be saying goodbye to infancy and hello to toddler hood.

With every child, time seems to pass even more quickly. I look at my girls and wonder how I lost them to "big-girlness". Wasn't it just a few years ago that Sarah was born...can she really be 8? Megan has morphed into a surly pre-schooler who has outgrown pre-school quickly. Little Emma, who was born the size of the other two at 2 months, is walking and finding her Independence.

Despite all the stresses of a newborn, it is one of the stages I love the most. I love being the provider of sustenance and comfort that only I can give her. The utter helplessness surrendered to total love and care.

We have partially weaned and I long for, yet dread, the end of breastfeeding. It is an amazing bond that is indescribable.

What an amazing year this has been. There were times when I thought I would lose my mind, yet I wouldn't change a thing. My dear sweet Emma, I love you more than words can say (however I will say that I love you more when you sleep through the night). Your sisters, even Megan, have embraced you and love you more and more each day. You have made our family complete and I love you, little love bug.

Long lasting Aluminum

2009-04-17T14:29:00.005-04:00

10 years ago today, I married my best friend.

Barf...I know it's terribly cliche, but in this case it is absolutely true.

The past 10 years of my life have been wonderful. I cannot imagine what my life would have been like without Pat by my side. Believe me, he has his flaws just like everyone, but he has kept me laughing for the last 10 years and the 4.5 years of dating prior to that.

He is my confidant, my rock, my best friend, and my pain in the ass.

Over lunch today my coworkers and I were discussing marriage. One of my friends mentioned that they had heard that the 7th year of a marriage was the hardest. Another one agreed, but then her marriage ended in divorce. I thought and thought then stated that I couldn't recall a really bad year.

We have had our ups and downs, but I can't really remember any horrible fights or stressful times in our marriage. Other things in life may have been difficult, but they brought us together instead of tearing us apart.

The time has passed quickly, yet I feel like he and I have always been together. I can't imagine my life without him and I am glad we found each other.

By the way, evidently the traditional gift for a 10th anniversary is ALUMINUM! Nothing screams I love you more that a roll of tin foil or a can of soda!

I hate Jillian

2009-04-15T11:50:00.004-04:00

Today is day 10 of the 30 Day Shred Challenge at the Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans. It is also Weigh in Wednesday. While I don't really hate Jillian, I do really hate today's weigh in. I don't quite understand what has happened. I have done the shred every day since day 1, I have been watching what I eat. I feel like I took it easy on Easter and did not overindulge. I have had unusual self-restraint when it comes to all the chocolate Easter candy that is in my house. yet, the scale this morning reported a .8lb weigh GAIN. WTF?!?! How the hell did that happen!? I was so depressed that for a brief moment this morning I contemplated giving up, I should just accept the fact that I will be "fluffy" for the rest of my life and deal with it.

By the time I got to work, I realized that my body is dealing with a lot of change (you know the not pumping and reducing breastfeeding to 1 or 2x a day) that I just need to be patient. I do feel as though I am seeing improvement in areas, just not on the scale. I have come to hate phase 1 of the workout though. the first few days I felt energized afterward and loved how sore I felt in the morning (that means it's working, right?). But by day 5, my knees starting hurting. the jumping jacks kill my knees! I am pretty sure the aerobic part of the jumping jacks is no problem, it's the pain that makes me want to stop.

I will forge ahead and keep doing phase 1 for a few more days and then bump up to phase 2. If I can managed to find a few more minutes to exercise, I'll hop on the treadmill too (I did that on Monday and it felt really good). I will also begin really tracking my food intake.

Here's hoping for a better week to come!

Happy Easter

2009-04-12T22:00:00.000-04:00

The Easter Bunny made his appearance, as usual, bright and early this morning. I heard Zoe barking like mad trying to keep him from invading her space. He must have been running late because the dawn had already broken and as I glanced at the clock it already was pushing 6AM.

I tried to shower before anyone else woke up, but that did not go according to plan. The big girls knocked on the bathroom door as I was getting in the shower. I told them they had to wait and that they could crawl into bed with Pat (who had just gotten home from work about an hour before). Before I was done with my shower, Sarah was asking to get Emma who was up and crying in her crib.

We all went down to see what the Easter Bunny left for the girls. They had to find their baskets which were hidden all around, as well as the 15 eggs we dyed yesterday. They had a good time and we discovered that Emma loves marshmallow peeps!

Off to church and the second egg hunt of the day. Pat stayed home to sleep and we went to get more sugar! Emma decided to show off her lungs during church and was extremely loud. Then home to eat lunch and put the baby down for a nap.

I was able to work in a session of the 30 Day Shred (thankfully, I've been able to resist much of the candy laying around the house) and we leave in a bit to go to Grandma and Pappy's for dinner with Aunt Jan and Uncle Charles and Easter Hunt number 3!

Here are a few shots of the day:

At the house before church

After the Egg Hunt at Church

Emma is helping open the eggs

The girls with their loot from Easter Egg hunt #2

HAPPY EASTER!

Egg Update

2009-04-12T15:24:00.004-04:00

Here are a few pics of the dyeing process from yesterday afternoon.

By the way...The eggs peeled perfectly and were delicious! Must remember to boil them this way all the time!

How to Boil an Egg

2009-04-10T14:40:00.005-04:00

This is a touchy subject in my in-law's home. Many a family reunion has been "ruined" by deviled eggs that even the devil couldn't peel. My father-in-law has many theories on the best way to boil an egg. I can't remember exactly what they are, but you are either supposed to use old eggs, or new eggs; peel them right away, or let them sit. I can't remember. One year he even conducted an experiment. He used both new and old eggs. I honestly don't think it mattered, both of the eggs ended up looking pitted and less than desirable.

Since it is that time of year again, I thought I would conduct my own experiment. Now, I didn't get all scientific and have a control group or anything, but I did try a new method found here. Here are a few photos of the process:

This goes against everything my mother's "boil an egg" recipe states, so I am reluctant. Who knew I needed salt and a pin?

Poking a hole in the wide end is supposed to help air escape during the boiling process so that you don't have that lovely air pocket at one end. Now, this will probably mean that my eggs are guaranteed to be pink and purple when I peel them after dying, but it's only food coloring, right?

This recipe calls for you to actually place the eggs into boiling water and then simmer them for a particular time based on their size. These are extra-large eggs, so they simmer for 13 minutes.

Covering them with cold water after boiling...that I knew!!

These eggs will be dyed either tonight or tomorrow morning. I'm sure I'll capture that as well. However, I won't be able to post about the effectiveness of this boiling method until Easter morning.

Hair today...

2009-04-09T21:10:00.006-04:00

She's almost 5 years old, so I thought we had managed to make it through this stage unscathed. Clearly, I was wrong. Thankfully, she didn't do that much damage.

Hopefully it will grow out quickly!

Smiles

2009-04-09T16:50:00.002-04:00

Just downloaded pictures from FEBRUARY! I am such a horrible Mom! I love this close-up of Emma.